Beautiful, But destructive

The hurting

- I believe my lies-

5 and a half years ago

The concrete is cold against my back, my throat is dry and my eyes are puffy from crying, It hit me, I'm alone in the world now, everyone I've loved has died because I couldn't help, I let them die, they slipped through my fingers like sand. I didn't deserve this life, I sure didn't ask for this curse, I curled into a ball and tried so hard to cry to let everything out but it was stuck imprinted into me like a scar, I scream into my hands, my warm breath fanning over them, I suddenly forget where I was I forget who I was.

"Anaya?"

My head slowly tilts up, looking at the girl ahead of me, the girl who had made me forget who I was, from the pills and injections forced into me, she stood there with a clipboard in her hands, reaching into the pocket of her white lab coat for a pen.

"How are you feeling?"

"Good." I lie, I didn't need any more pills

"Okay," she says jotting it down, her blue ballpoint pen scrawling against the paper, "any suicidal thoughts or feelings?"

"no" another lie slips through my lips, I didn't need to be strapped down to 'ensure my safety'

"perfect," she grabs a vial of 'medicine' from another pocket of her lab coat, "Its time to sleep now, Anaya"

I shake my head "No, no more!" I plead "im all better"

"Please get into your bed, Anaya, you don't have a choice," she says, losing her patients

I bow my head down, I knew I didn't have a choice, I couldn't fight it, I couldn't fight this, I was crazy.

I climb onto the hard mattress in the middle of the cold concrete room, the nurse comes towards me holding the vial. I close my eyes as it pinches my upper arm, the liquid rushing through my veins.

"Sleep well," the nurse hums and leaves the room

like I had the choice, I think as I feel darkness taking over.

I had the same nightmare last night, the nightmare where id stab my whole family, even though I didn't want to, I felt like a robot, the real me was stuck somewhere inside my brain, hiding in a dark corner, I couldn't forget the screams and cries as I completely ruined everything, everything my parents had worked towards the perfect house, perfect jobs perfect family, I took everything away from them, it was my fault. This was just my punishment.