6 months....

Day 1

You told me you were leaving today...

I didn't believe you. I thought you were just making this up so you could leave me without guilt.

But then you came to gather your things and... I saw the look in your eyes.

The eyes that would crinkle when you smile, catch the light so perfectly, the most brilliantly beautiful brown

Those eyes were now filled with the most haunted pain of loss and fear. 

Fear of losing me but also fear of hurting me if you stayed

You promised me that when you came back after these two lonely years you would never leave again.

Now you have to beg my forgiveness because you have to break that promise of always being there in order to guarantee the safety of our future.

None of it seems real. It's Tuesday and I still expect you to send me your adorable long goodnight messages that you always send even after 5 years. I screenshot every single one and read them over and over again when you left the first time.

I still expect you to put your head down and break into your huge gorgeous smile that makes my heart skip a beat each time I see it. That you would laugh and tell me that it was all a cruel joke. that you would never leave. That you were going to stay

I still expect you to message me tomorrow morning that you're getting ready to pick me up since Wednesdays were always our days to be together going back 5 years. 

Wednesdays were when I would skip band practice so I could spend those 2 hours with you cuddling in the baseball bleachers while couples would stomp off since it was the school's "hook-up spot" and we would die laughing every single time. 

Wednesdays are the days when neither of us has school or work. No matter how exhausted we were from that week we still made the time to see each other and take "our son" for a walk. I say "our son" because her dog has always been her child. 

Nothing feels real and but the tears keep flowing and I don't know how to make them stop.....

I don't know if they will ever stop if you're not here to wipe them away and give me your "stop crying or I'll tickle you" face. 

All I know is that these next 6 months are going to be hell.