The Decision

Chapter 15

Lexa stood rooted on the spot, just watching her go. She couldn't be angry or even blame her for wanting to leave. While to her, or rather, in her world, the harshness that she had been using was far from uncommon - to Clarke, it was just something that couldn't be tolerated or even stomached.

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Lexa shook the thoughts from her head, not willing to think about anything that was connected to Clarke.

"Listen, I know that you've been wearing this mask for really a long time," Anya said with slight sigh, "but now, it's time to take it off – for good."
"I don't know that you're talking about," Lexa responded instantly and shook her head.
"You do," Anya scolded her quickly. "You, are not like this. You, are not this stone cold, hurtful person, but you keep pretending that you are."
Lexa felt a sting in her words that pricked at her skin like thorns. "I do what I have to do, Anya," she said as she got to her feet. "You know that better than anyone."
"Oh, so you just had to be such an asshole at the bar last month," Anya bit back quickly.
"This again," Lexa sighed and rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes I did."

She had told Clarke that she wouldn't get into it with her. She had told her, but Clarke kept pushing. If being an asshole was the only way to get her to drop it – then so be it. It wasn't up for discussion – period. Why she did it – how she felt about it – none of it. It happened. It was over. It was done. It didn't matter. It needed to be left alone.

"Why though?" Anya questioned her quickly. "That was the perfect opportunity to tell her the truth."
"Yeah," Lexa laughed lightly, "The perfect opportunity to tell her something, that might actually be bullshit, in front of a bunch of strangers no less."
"Bullshit?" Anya's brow furrowed instantly. "Lexa, you know that it's not bullshit. It happened."
"But I can't prove it," Lexa snapped without thinking about it and winced at her own words.
"Is that what this is all about?" Anya's eyes narrowed as she looked around the apartment. "You think that they wouldn't believe you?"
Lexa shook her head, working her jaw. "Why would they?"
"Lexa, if you would just talk to them, they would believe you." Anya shook her head. "They know that you're a lot of things, but you're not a liar."
"Aren't I?" Lexa scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Isn't that exactly what this has turned me into?"
"No," Anya replied firmly as she took a step forward. "Who you are has nothing to do with the fact that you lied. You want to know who you really are? Then look to why you did it. That's, who you are."
Lexa crossed her arms, willing the words to not affect her. "Still can't prove it," she said through her gritted teeth.
"So, we'll find proof then," Anya said with a shrug as she glanced around.
"There isn't any," Lexa told her firmly.
"There has to be something," Anya countered quickly. "You saw it."
"It doesn't matter," Lexa responded as she poured herself a drink. "Even if I found something, you and I both know that I wouldn't do anything with it anyway."
"Lexa," Anya practically groaned. "You have been given a second chance here. Don't let it slip away because of your fucking pride!"
"My pride? Is that what you think this is about?" Lexa bit back fiercely. "She's engaged, Anya and I won't..."
"Actually, she's not." Anya cut her off almost smugly as she crossed her arms.
Lexa froze on the spot, the glass she was holding slipping from her grip and shattering against the floor.
"Amicable split, from what I understand." Anya explained. "I ran into Raven," she added after a short pause.

Lexa walked back to her desk and dropped back down into her chair, feeling guilt quickly pooling in her belly as the information played over and over in her head.

"You can tell her," Anya said as she rounded the desk and leaned against it. "You can tell them all."
Lexa just shook her head.
Anya released a frustrated sigh as she ran her fingers briskly against her scalp. "Okay. Fine," she nodded. "How about this, we see what we can find and then you can decide what, if anything, to do with it."
Lexa worked her jaw again. "What if it was a bluff?" Her thoughts escaped her mouth on their own. "What if it was all for nothing? What if I hurt her like that – all of them, for nothing?"
"Stop it," Anya scolded her again. "You know that it wasn't a bluff. You saw it with your own two eyes. Stop doubting your own fucking memories."
"I saw a piece, Anya and now there's not even a trace," Lexa reminded her firmly, motioning at the surroundings.

Anya leaned back and thought for a moment before getting up and leaving the room. When she returned, only a few minutes later, she carrying a very familiar laptop.

"I've already tried," Lexa sighed and shook her head. "It's locked up tighter than Fort Knox."
Anya stared at her. "I know someone who could unlock it," she smirked, popping her eyebrows.
"No!" Lexa bellowed as she jumped to her feet. "If there's anything in there, she'll see it. She'll know!"
"Good," Anya responded instantly. "Look, you can't change what happened, but damn it, maybe you can finally explain why it had to," she pulled out her phone. "It's probably going to cost you though, and I don't just mean your pride," she added as she began composing a text. "Besides, who says she even needs to know who it belongs to or that it's for you?"
"You'll tell her," Lexa stated knowingly.
"If it means that we can get into that laptop," Anya paused and looked at her. "You're damn right," she finished before firing of the message and setting the phone on the desk between them.

Anya: Hacker, I have a proposition for you.
Raven: I'm not a hacker.
Anya: Perhaps not, but you are brilliant, and have the knowledge.
Raven: Stop trying to flatter me, Anya. What the hell do you want??
Anya: I have a laptop. I need it unlocked. You unlock it. I pay.
Raven: How much?
Anya: $1000.00
Raven: Well, damn.

"I think we just bought ourselves a hacker," Anya grinned down at the screen.

Raven: Whose laptop?
Anya: That's irrelevant.
Raven: Not to me.
Anya: Lexa's.
Raven: Bullshit. Lexa's too smart to lock herself out of her own computer.
Raven: Spill.

Anya paused and glanced at her. "Take a breath," she said firmly.
Lexa closed her eyes and opted to swear under her breath instead.

Anya: Titus Woods.
Raven: Nope. Not interested.
Raven: If Lexa needs help accessing Daddy's precious information, she can find someone else to do it.
Anya: $2000.00
Raven: I hate you.
Anya: I know.
Anya: Now bring your sassy ass over to Lexa's place.

Lexa got to her feet and walked to the bar to pour a fresh drink.
Anya came up behind her. "It going to be okay," she assured her softly. "Raven's brilliant. She'll get in and if what you're looking for is in there, she'll find it. If not, it still doesn't change why you did it."
Lexa shook her head and took a long sip of her drink as she wrestled internally with the fact that this was actually happening.
"Just try to relax," Anya told her firmly. "You really have nothing to lose here - if anything, you have everything to gain."
Lexa shook her head again, feeling a pressure building up inside of her. "I can't be here for this," she finally said as she walked toward the door. "I'm going to go take a walk."

The moment that her feet hit the street, Lexa felt the world around her press in on her. Granted, it was true that she had actively been looking for proof, but at the same time, the lack of it wasn't the only reason that she didn't want to talk about it. It was a weighted topic that stirred up too much emotion in everyone and revealing the facts about what really happened that night wouldn't change the outcome. She knew that Anya was probably right and that she should finally tell them the why she did it, but she couldn't. She just couldn't. Yes, part of it was her pride, that much was true too, but the other part boiled down the fact that it was honestly too much for her. It was just too much.

Sighing heavily, Lexa pushed her hair out of her face and quickly crossed the street while her insides suddenly burned with confliction. If Raven was actually able to access that laptop and find the information she was looking for, the tables were going to turn again and she would quickly find herself facing yet another decision.

Whether or not to share it.