Confused Hearts

Ashlei

Krrrrringggg!!! Krrrrinnggg!!

I reached for the alarm clock, turned it off. Bagong araw na naman. I used to struggle getting up especially after my ex bf, Theo, cheated on me. I was so down, i had dark circles around my eyes, laging nakasimangot, at iritable. Apparently, something happened...ok lemme, rephrase that. Someone happened that changed everything.

I met him during my college years, he was a transferee from another school but i already knew him thru my bestfriend. Hay social media. Imagine, you can actually talk to a stranger from a screen. Nagkakachat na din kami pero at first, no attraction talaga. Walang malisya. Taken ako when I first knew him. Never in my wildest dream did i ever think na pwede KAMI. I was so caught up in my relationship that time that even as online friends, I never took Fred seriously.

Few months passed. My first long relationship ended. I found out the ex-bf celebrated a monthsary na pala with another girl. I confronted him, he told me it was just a mistake and that after a month natapos na din naman. But I felt betrayed, I couldn't forgive him just yet. I heard from our common friends that he got into one relationship after another. Even so, it still pains me thinking na we can still make it work in the future. But siguro, for him, we ended when we ended.

Out of the blue, Fred would check on me. Mag memessage siya. Mangungumusta. Me naman, feeling pampered kasi  andami lang ding love from people around me. Classmates, friends, my college besties,   even random strangers who would offer me seat sa bus, naappreciate ko. If there's one thing the breakup did to me, it's the change of mindset. I felt like, thank God. Marami pa rin naman pala nagmamahal saken. Marami pa rin naman nakakaappreciate. I felt like even if I lost love, the kind of love I knew from the ex, I found a lot of people that make me feel na wala naman nawalang love saken. Nadagdagan pa nga. I was still blessed, ika nga. Nago-glow nga raw  ako, nag radiate yung positivity ko. Cheret.

So, here comes Fred...
Hindi mahirap mahalin si Fred. Kwela, matalino, hardworking, madiskarte sa buhay. Self supporting student siya. Di kaya ng parents niya to send him to school kaya siya rumaraket as video shooter tas hanap ng scholarships para makapag-aral. Actually I have to admit, it is how he handles his struggles that made me change the way I see life. Kaya mas naappreciate ko that I get to school na walang struggles unlike him. What use is my pag mumokmok ba, sya nga nahihirapan but happy pa din.

Lagi pa ko jino-joke time ng mokong na 'to. Every time we walk home, he'd say: "Imagine kung jowa mo ko,...." tapos titingin siya sa saken nakangiti. To which I'd always say, "amfee. Amfeeling mo". Tapos, sa isang araw na naman, sasabihin niya "Kung magiging tayo in the future, bakit di pa ngayon?" Tapos mauuwi ulit sa kulitan habang nagbabatukan kami. For quite some time naging ganito yung routine namin. Kung pareha kami libre, maglalakad kami pauwi, bibili kami tinapay sa Roy's  Bakeshop tas mag sosoftdrinks na nakaplastic, magkkwentuhan, hahatid nya ko hanggang gate ng boarding house.. There was never a dull moment with him. Sumasakit panga ko kakatawa pag magkasama kami. I think, at the time, it is safe to say that we grew to like each other. Torpe-torpe lang siya kaya puro pa hirit-hirit ng joke time. Eh, yoko naman ako yung mag tanong kung nangliligaw na ba siya kakahatid saken. Hahahaha. Ayoko naman magmukhang assuming, baka din naman kasi inaaliw lang din ako nung tao. It's been a year na din since my last breakup.

"Swerte mapapangasawa neto." i thought to myself not realizing nakatitig pala ako sa kanya the whole time, daydreaming while eating snacks sa isa mga mushroom sheds sa school namin. Pakshet. I was just hoping and praying that I did not think out loud.

"Earth to Ash!! Ash to Earth!! Hoy naman! Kanina pa ko joke time dito, wala naman palang nakikinig saken," Fred pinched my now blushing cheeks.

"Stop, okay. I was listening. May nakalimutan lang ako, tas bigla ko lang naisip. Where were we?" I answered, trying to mask the kilig I'm feeling.

He continued telling me this story about his neighbor, tawang-tawa pa ang mokong. He has this way of making dull stories come to life. Hahaha. Ewan ko ba, but that cheerful personality - namamagnet ako. Buti di niya napansin yung daydreaming mode ko kanina. Ayoko naman maawkward kami sa isa't isa. Nung uwian na, same old routine, this time kasabay lang namin college besties ko. Snack time muna bago umuwi, food is life eh!

When we were alone, ang bagal ng oras.

Me: teka, mabagal lang ba ang oras o ikaw ang mabagal maglakad? Fred? Di namn tayo nagpuprusisyon ah, bilisan mo nga aabutan tayo ng gabi eh.

Fred: teka naman... May sasabihin kasi ako. Pwede ba tumigil ka nga muna sa paglalakad. Mabilis lang to.

I walked back closer to him.

Me: So ano na, sasabihin mo na mangliligaw ka? Hahaha! Wag mo ko jinojoke time, Fred. Sinasabi ko sayo. Papatulan na talaga kita. *sabay tawa. bweset ang lakas ng loob ko today ah, sabay talikod*

Then...silence.. And poof! It became Koko Krunch. Hahaha, dejoke lang. Kinakabahan ang lola nyo te.

He enveloped me in a tight embrace and he softly sobs.

Me: What's up, Fred? May problema ba? (this time talaga kinabahan na ko. Bakit may padramarama sa hapon si yorme, may taning na ba buhay neto?)

Still...quiet pa din siya.

Me: Fred, you're giving me the chills. Ano'ng meron? Are you sick? (sa kwela nitong si Fred, never ko naimagine mag emo siya kaya mej na alarm din ako mga besh)

Fred: Tanga! Hahaha. Bweset naman eh. Moment ko to eh. Panira ka tlaga kahit kelan.

Me: .....

Fred: I'm in love... I'm in love with you. Please say you feel the same way too. Please say you can be my girlfriend, Ash. Kahit di muna ngayon, basta pag isipan mo lang.

Then he let go. Planted a kiss on my forehead. Natameme ako. We didn't talk after that. We continued walking home in silence. When we reached my gate, I looked back at him. Nakangiti na siya while waving good bye.

I ran back to him, hugged him tight. I whispered, "Di ako nakashield kanina ah, akala ko joke time pa din. Please wait for me to decide. Please wait for my YES, wag ka jumowa ng iba..sinasabi ko talaga sayo." I smirked at him before finally going in.

That night, it was hard for me to sleep comfortably. I keep tossing around. I keep replaying all our memories together, Fred and I. I just wanted to make sure he is not going to be a rebound. I wanted to make sure I'm finally over with Theo. I was having all these thoughts when my phone vibrated.

Text message from Theo:

Ash, I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I know it's been a year. Sana Ash, sapat na ang panahon na yon for you to forgive me. It was just one mistake Ash. Ikaw pa rin hanggang ngayon. Forgive me, I love you still.

- - -
I gasped. Napabalikwas ako sa pagkakahiga. I read the msg again. I felt the familiar pain. 4 years. My lost 4 yrs to a guy whom I thought to be my first and last. Why do I feel that it is almost too late? Why do I feel like somehow, deep in my heart I was hoping that Theo and I will get back together.

My phone vibrated again...

- - -

Text message from Fred:

Ash, gising ka pa? I just wanted to let you how liberating it was kanina to finally tell you how I truly felt about you. Hehe. Di na nga ako makatulog thinking about you. I hope I did not scare you, Ash. Kundi ka pa ready, I will wait for you. I love you, Ash, truly. Walang halong joke time! Sleep tight, my angel! ♥️

- - -
Shet, kilig. My angel, huh? Then I thought to myself, Fred was there to make me feel whole again. During those times that I felt so down, it was his spirit that lifted mine. Maybe, just maybe, this time this new love is best for me. I just needed to be sure.