Broken || Harry styles

Chapter 40

Everything's so much better. So why am I so much worse?

There's no grandmother to beat me up
And tell me how worthless I am.
There's no man trying to get their way with me. My family has been cut off from me. There's Harry.

So why am I worse?
I have a lot.
I disgust myself. In every aspect.
I woke up this morning with life I'm not sure I want. And someone, somewhere, would value it more.

I wake up starved for comfort and a listening ear. And by the time I've swung my legs out of bed, I am numb and I feel nothing at all. It is sweet agony. I am engulfed by my own mind and I tear myself apart daily. I never remember which piece goes where. I go through my days like this; breathing, alive, but not living. I am tired.

There's days well moments I could relive like a couple of weeks ago me and Harry went to the park.

"Do you believe something else is out there?" I ask Harry as we sit in park under the night sky.
"I don't really believe in the whole 'little green men in flying multi-colored space crafts' type of aliens, but I do believe there is life on another planet or solar system somewhere in the universe, whether it's people like you and me or a plant, or maybe even something that can walk or have it's own way of communicating. I believe there is life somewhere, and it doesn't have to look like the 'commercial' aliens"

There was something about his smile and the way his eyes would glow when he spoke passionately that I could never get over. I sometimes select specific topics I know would catch his interest, just so I could witness the glow in his swirling irises. Sometimes I wouldn't even know what he was saying, I just loved looking into his eyes while his voice played in the background.
I especially enjoyed asking him to explain his views on deeper, more intellectual topics like what he is most grateful for in life, what he feels is his greatest accomplishment or worse memory, and biggest regret. The way he would bite his lip while pondering his response. Every word that passed his lips was always so well thought out, in a way that I would never be able to comprehend.
I just felt strongly towards him. His witty sense of humor, the tiny mole on his chin, and the scar just above his left eyebrow. The small things one can't see from afar.

And in that moment I felt something I haven't felt in a while: love. Not toward him but for the little things like the grass we were laying on, the star filled sky the things I wouldn't appreciate on regular basis. That was the most normal I have felt.
What I'd give to have that feeling with him again. What I'd give to have that connection with life again.

The car ride for the most part is silent like usual. "Thank you." I tell Liam as I get out of the car. "Anytime," he says with a smile.

"Hey," Harry greets me when I enter the house.
"Hi," I reply.
"How was it?"
"The same as it is every week," I mumble.
Harry gives me a weak smile still strong enough to send me to my knees. I have accepted my feelings toward him and now they flow free without me questioning or second guessing them.

Harry makes me fall on my knees questioning why I let someone in to see the darkest recesses of my mind when at any moment he could run away with my secrets and never look back.

But I do trust him. I want him to know that I do trust him. That he was the first home I have ever known. He's called himself just a regular boy but he is so much more than that. He is a tornado and even when he destroys, the ruins are beautiful. I want him to know how much of a great person he is like he reminds me everyday that I am beautiful. I don't know how to tell him though. I want him to know how much my battlefields wait for sirens that warn me about his inevitable thunderstorm.
***

bedsheets clenched in her hands, and a cold sweat drenching her body. But she had experienced it before. This had been a recurring cycle for the past month. The nightmare somehow became more detailed each night with a different body. Tonight His pale body was laying lifeless on the ground surrounded by pills And then she can't breathe, or move. Forced to look at his dead body. The suffocation gets worse every night. She can't breathe, all he felt was the pain she'd felt.

She felt around on the cotton sheets. A clean crisp darkness around her The sound of the steady breathing of him, Harry beside her. And finding, that now he too could breathe with no trouble at all.

He wrapped him arms securely around her waist pulling her into him. "Who was it?" He asks softly. "You," she replied breathlessly. He pulled her impossibly closer. "I'm right here, always." he kissed her neck. "Always, baby."

And with that She knew he was the strongest drug she could ever be given.

***
MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY NEW YEARS!!
Hey for this year I want our goals to be to learn to love ourselves!!
The sucky part is we need to learn to love ourselves, by ourselves. No one is going to save you. There's nothing wrong with a little help but the source of your happiness or self love can't come from something that can be taken from you. Because when that source you've been dependent on is gone, what's next?

So stop looking for your Prince Charming or your Harry. Look in the mirror because after all is over that is who you'll have. Of course there's people who will help you to achieve happiness or self love (I have had quite some help)
But do not become DEPENDENT of the help of others.
So let's love & live for ourselves.

&

If you love yourself to the fullest I want you to work on living your life. Not just being alive but to LIVE. take risks do what ever the fuck you want because you can. Don't be afraid to show your colors. Spread your wings! Soar!
Do what you love! Be who you want.

Thank u for being here, my soldiers 💜. Yall are a big part of my life. Thank u for giving me this opportunity to write it really has changed my life.

Anyway enough with the sappy stuff. I'm going to put chapter goals or whatever get me back into the routine of writing.

So for this chapter 50 comments & 100 votes. YALL CAN DO IT. TEAM WORK!

HERES TO 2015 WHERE U GUYS CAN EXPECT A BROKEN SEQUAL!!!