Nineteen ☆ LiL PEEP

Chapter 3

"Still, I want you to know that no matter what you're going through I'll always be here for you. You're like my best friend and a really good partner in healthy, sober crime. I met you at your lowest point and I don't want to see you go back there," I released his hand but he didn't move it away from my thigh. "Have you spoke to your grandmother recently?"

"Yeah, but I haven't went to visit her. She sounds like she's getting sicker and sicker but won't just say it to me. I think she thinks that sugarcoating her health and not telling me the truth is somehow going to help me but it's just making things way more unbearable."

Constant anxiety is a staple of Ben's personality and as much as I'd like to say it's all rooted in irrational fear, it's not. His grandmother (who I enjoy very much) is probably the most important person to him in his life and the fact that her medical issues are taking a turn for the worst has got to be hard on him. She's the only person who's never abandoned him, always supported him and had his back. He's given her every single recovery chip he has from NA and she keeps them right next to her bedside, showing that she's so proud of him.

Since him and I have become better friends, he's taken me with him to go visit her quite a bit and every time she gushes over the fact that if I wasn't engaged to be married, 'Benny' and I would make such a cute couple. It makes me blush and I always shake my head at it but I can't help but bust out laughing when she jokes about it being her dying wish.

She's no longer able to offer her catering services due to her physical weaknesses and my parents sorely miss her, but Ben has taken her business onto himself completely and I can taste her cooking in his. I'm so thankful that not only has he become a very respectable young man, but also an amazing friend.

"We should go and see her then, she can't very well hide the truth from you when you're right in front of her. She's never been very good at lying to you." I spoke, hoping that my words would reassure him not only of the fact that I would gladly go with him but also that I was willing to do anything to help calm his fears.

"I can't go and see her looking like this. I also don't know if I have the heart to tell her that I fucked up, and yes, I'd have to tell her because I'm not very good at lying to her either. I just don't know if I can bring myself to do it—to see the look on her face." Ben admitted, lowering his head into his hands. His dark hair covered his finger tattoos and I sighed, knowing that he was probably right.

What does this mean, though? Will he need to go to a detox center? Another stint in rehab? Is he even willing to go receive treatment right now? These are all questions I could ask him but in fear of stressing him out I stayed silent, crossing my fingers that he'd be the one to tell me these things on his own terms.

"Do you want me to stay the night?" I asked softly.

"Would you?" I nodded my head in response, wiping my nervously clammy hands on my jeans. I've never actually spent the night here before, unsure of whether or not our friendship was on that level and I also never wanted to seem like I was disrespecting Gus in any way but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Moving about the house as quietly as I could just to not disturb Ben's senses, I made him some chicken noodle soup and instructed him to get comfortable on the couch after he nearly growled at me when I suggested I could sleep there. When I met him I didn't think he was a kind person at all, but thankfully we've had enough conversations and spent enough time together that I've learned that that's not who he is inside.

Of course I'm terrified. Drugs make people do some horrid things and I know for a fact that when Ben is using, he's not above hurting others to get what he wants. Not only am I scared for how that's going to affect me personally (albeit probably a selfish thought) but I'm so, so scared that he's going to turn into that person I had to take to the hospital that night.

Another thing that scares me is that I don't know how to say no. I never know when enough is enough or when to walk away, which always seems to get me in some kind of trouble and a lot of people take advantage of that. I've just seen so much chaos in the last year that I don't know if I can handle it anymore and much like Ben, anything could bring me to the brink but I didn't expect for it to be this.

After some mindless chatter and random conversation, Ben finished his soup and basically passed out sitting up on the couch. I smiled with a heavy heart at him, took his bowl into the kitchen and then headed towards his bedroom to get comfortable for the rest of the night.

When I opened the door, I was met with an actually very pleasant bedroom for a bachelor like himself. His bed was made, no clothes on the floor, everything had a place and I nodded my head. He must be crashing on the couch lately due to the unruly state of his living room versus the calm environment of his bedroom.

"What am I going to do with you..." I spoke to no one in particular, and turned his bedroom light off to get some rest.
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