saccharinity & sorrow

00:17 early 2020*

cochineal.

scarlet.

maroon.

smears.

grazes.

agony.

distraction.

aching.

thoughtless actions

born in rumination.

please present me with pain.

i am selfish as to desire suffering.

yet is it self-absorbed 

to yearn for something

to your detriment?

of course it is.

i will always be a liar.

deceiving others

in my mind.

when in reality, 

i am merely avoiding myself.

i'm a truly shameful being aren't i?

eternally mourning a loss

that occurred within me.

they are remaining alive and involved,

whilst i choose to be detached

and inconsiderate of the life 

i have the privilege to be engaging in.

i just need to know

how they are dealing with their lives.

and i just want them to grasp

the depth of my profound heart for them. 

they could likely care less.

it doesn't matter.

my life isn't worth anything anyways.

what's the point anymore?

if they are always going to leave?

ridiculous.

you're pathetic.

life fucking happens.

you are the issue,

you're too broken to accept that.

you were born in sadness and remorse.

child of once having value,

and you disgraced the name 

by tarnishing your soul

with damn hope.

afterall, it is in these ephemeral moments,

that your emotions run as deep as your mind endlessly permits,

and every time you traverse further

into darkness

led by the false sense of h o p e

you kill yourself even more.

is that such a bad thing?