Fake It Until You Make It

Chapter 14: Detoxing Failure

The addictive melody was playing, up and rhythmic, coming from God knows where and making my blood pulse to its beat. I don't even think you can hear music in dreams but I'm sure there was a song in it, as well as Lisa, looking at me in a way that made me trembles with anticipation, waiting for whatever was next, trying to understand how we got there. She kept staring at me, her hand still holding my arm, stopping me from leaving, her body facing me as we sat on a couch. I saw her eyes switching from mine to my lips and the whole world was suddenly very quiet. She leaned in, her grip on my arm getting tighter. I couldn't stop my hand from stopping her. Her eyes never left my lips. But I had to be sure. I needed to know what was happening.

"What are you doing?", I asked, in a whisper. "We don't have to... there's no one watching us."

"I know", she said, her voice was deep. Did she always have this amazing accent? Why was she still looking at my lips with her stupidly blue eyes? "That's the point", she said, before leaning the rest of the way in until her lips touched mine, strongly. I don't understand how fast my hand reached the back of her neck, and her hair, but it was suddenly there and our bodies were closer than ever as she held me, desire, lust and love mixed together as her arms closed a grip around me.

In a split second, in my half-sleep unconsciousness, I allowed myself to dive into it, simply because it just felt so, so good. I thought, trying so hard to hold on to it and not wake up, since this will probably never happen anyway, what's the harm? Just a dream. I focused on what dream-Lisa was saying, that she was in love with me. She was in love with me? She wanted to kiss me. There was nobody watching me, she was kissing me because she wanted to. She. Wanted. To. Kiss. Me. Me. Me. Me. She wanted to kiss me. I don't know how or why, but her tongue was in mine now and it wasn't a pretend. It wasn't a con. It wasn't a PR move anymore. It wasn't about Eunha or Insung or my career, it was about me, about us. I kept reminding myself 'this is real, this is real. She's in love with you. She loves you. She is in love with you'

Her other hand was gripping my waist and made its way up my back under my shirt until it reached my bra strap. Was it possible to feel everything I was feeling? Was this normal? Was this right? The weakness in my bones, the chills all over my body? The way my palms felt so hot? Was I supposed to be breathing? Because I don't think I was. At least I don't remember breathing anything in that wasn't the smell of her skin, a mixture of shaving cream and the L'Occitane soap from the bathroom. My entire skin was so hot I worried she'd think something was wrong with me. My left hand gripped her arm now; then her shoulders; and her back; hard, without letting go, no stopping, scratching it bringing us closer and closer together like I've wanted for so long. With an impulse, I threw my right leg to her side, sitting on her lap, and I felt how her arms hugged my waist now. And how one of them went for my tights, and my ass, cupping it, gripping it, squeezing it, putting herself in between my legs, closer and tighter, making me feel like I was going to explode. 'This is happening. This is real', I kept thinking.

Her hand was under my bra strap now and I felt her thumb striking the side of my breast, I pulled her hair down, lowering my hands and breaking the kiss just long enough to take my shirt off. I took a second to look at her, who had such adoration on her eyes as they ran over my skin it overwhelmed me a bit. Her hand left my leg, and both of them gripped my waist again, her mouth found my neck, making a trail of kisses until my earlobe, following through my jaw line back to my lips. I was wondering if I could lie on my back and pull her on top of me. I wanted her weight on me I wanted her skin in mine. Her shirt had to go. I started to pull it up, my palms feeling her skin, my nails scratching her back, my waist moving on top of her to the rhythm of the song when I realized I was... moaning. Just a little bit, just barely. And the sound was breaching through the dream into reality and I knew I had to stop.