Beetlejuice Script: DC Run

SCENE ONE

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE
House lights are still up, the stage curtain's closed. The audience still chitter-chattering. Then--

Thunder. Lightning. Lights up on A GRAVEYARD. In the distance, high on a hill, we can just make out a late-Victorian Farmhouse.

A group of MOURNERS, BLACK UMBRELLAS raised high, carry a casket through the aisle toward the stage as they sing.

They reach and open grave and a PRIEST steps forward--

MOURNERS

AH AH AH
AH AH AH
AH AH AH
AH AH AH

SOME MOURNERS
AH AH AH
AH AH AH
AH AH AH
AH AH AH AH AH

OTHER MOURNERS
DIES
IRAE DIES
ILLA
DOMIME

AH AH AH
AH AH AH
AH AH AH
AH AH AH AH AH

DIES IRAE
DIES ILLA
PIE JSUS
DOMINE
AMEN

MOURNERS
HUM HUM HUM
HUM HUM HUM
HUM HUM HUM
HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM

PRIEST
Dearly beloved. . . we come together today to mourn the passing of Emily Deetz. Beloved wife. Devoted mother. . . When such an extraordinary life is cut so tragically short, we take comfort in knowing that someday. . . we will see them again.

BEETLEJUICE (O.S.)

Maybe! But first. . . you're gonna see ME!

(An ANTHEMIC ROCK FANFARE as PURPLE SMOKE erupts and a spotlight hits BEETLEJUICE who rises out of the ground in all his black-and-white-striped glory.)

ENSEMBLE

AH AH
AH AH AH

(The mourners DON'T SEE HIM.
After a long beat- -)

BEETLEJUICE
(melodramatic)

Welcome. . . to Death of a Salesman!

(then, to the wing)

What's that? Oh, I didn't book it? Then fuck it, let's do this.

(MUSIC IN.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

HEY FOLKS! BEGGIN' YOUR PARDON
'SCUSE ME! SORRY TO BARGE IN!
BUT LET'S SKIP THE TEARS
AND START ON THE WHOLE, YA KNOW
"BEING DEAD" THING

DEATH IS SO MY OEUVRE
I MAKE CROSSING OVER SOONER
TRY TO THINK OF ME AS LUBE FOR
THE HOLE, (heh!) YOU KNOW,
THE WHOLE "BEING DEAD" THING!

WHEN YOU'RE DEAD YA GETS REGRETS
"WE SHOULDA CARPE'D EAY MORE DIEMS
NOW WE'RE NEVER GONNA SEE 'EM
I CAN SHOW YOU WHAT COMES NEXT
SO DON'T BE FREAKED,
STAY IN YOUR SEATS,
I DO THIS BULLSHIT LIKE EIGHT TIMES A WEEK.

THERE IS NO HEAVEN,
THERE'S NO HELL,
NO MEANING FAR AS I CAN TELL.
ARE YOU DEPRESSED? YOU SHOULD BE!

MOURNERS