Of Death & Virtue

chapter five :: a terrifying thing

She removes her glasses. "Jennifer, I'm not here to evaluate the validity of the shooting. I'm here for you."

With as straight of a face as I can muster, I shake my head. But I feel a twitch make it through. "I'm fine."

She leans forward, putting her arms over her notes. 'You don't have to pretend. Not here."

If I have to pretend anywhere, it's here. I start to think of another lie, to give her something she wants to hear. But as I try to think, the ache in my chest snakes over my shoulder and crawls down my back. I flex my shoulder blades, trying to relieve the pressure, but it just causes it to move further down. By the time I realize what I'm doing and that there's someone else in the room — someone who's keenly perceptive of me — I freeze.

Her eyes shift over me. "Are you in pain?" She asks.

I shake my head. "No. I..." I sigh. "It's just, uh, after the shooting, it feels like something inside of me is off. Like... Like something has changed."

I don't even know why I said that. It's not like she can help me. But it would probably do more harm than good to keep lying. She obviously isn't buying it.

She nods sympathetically. "Well, it's normal to feel that way after a traumatic event. It's only fair to see change outside of you reflect internally."

Yeah? Well, if that's the case, then why are Jackson's words getting under my skin? But that, I manage to hold back.

"What else?" She asks, sitting up straighter, a confident look on her face as if she's proud of decoding my issue. "What else are you feeling?"

I shrug. "I'm fine."

Dr. Keegan purses her lips. "Yes, you've said that." She laughs lightly to herself. "Your Captain informed me you could be...difficult."

My shoulders stiffen, which only strains the ache in my body. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Her eyes widen and she waves her hand. "Oh, I don't mean any offense, Jennifer. But you have been quite closed off." She sighs and leans towards me. "This would be more beneficial if you were honest about your feelings."

"There's nothing to be honest about."

"Okay," she says questioningly before exhaling and glancing at her notes. "Captain Stringer told me you were injured on the scene. Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"No." Not at all, and definitely not with you.

She hums and scribbles something down. "Alright. Then tell me how you feel now." Before I can open my mouth, she holds up a finger. "Wait, let me guess, you're 'fine'?"

I inhale as if I'm thinking about it, then I nod and smile. "Yep."

She sighs and taps her pen on her leg. "Okay, well —"

"Can I go now?" I interject before she can propose any more riveting questions.

At first, she looks over at me in surprise. She even stutters as she tries to find the words. "Oh, u-uh, I suppose, but —"

"Thanks, Doc," I say, grabbing the coat I had thrown over the back of the couch and I head for the door.

"Jennifer?" She calls out.

I glance back. "Yeah?"

She digs through her purse on the floor before pulling out a card. She hands it to me. It's glossy. "If you ever need someone to talk to, give me a call. Day or night, okay?"

Teresa Keegan, Ph.D., huh? "Sure," I tell her even though I know the likelihood of me finding Bigfoot is better. I close the door behind me on my way out.