Saint
Again, I got the feeling I was cheating on my friend as I started new workshops and built something new with someone else. It felt wrong, but it felt right. I do not understand. I visited the temple so many times, hoping to find some peace of mind, yet nothing. I finally opened up to my new screen-pair and friend. Yes, he is my friend.
"Don't you understand Nong? You are in love with that kid."
"What?! No! I'm not dumb enough to make the mistake of falling for my co-star. It can't be!"
"Anyone with eyes could see the love you had for each other."
"Each other? Perth wouldn't like me in that way. He sees me only as a friend." I denounced my friend's claims scornfully.
"Are you sure? Why don't you go back and check? Why do you think your ship had so many fans? Why do you think we have to work hard to sail this new ship?"
"It was all just fan-service phi."
"Was it? Was it really just that? Ask yourself, what do you feel for him?"
"F-friendship."
"You are very good at lying to yourself."
"I'm not lying to-"
"You love that kid. That is why this doesn't look real. You can't put your heart into it while you are thinking of another. And I'm not angry at you for that. The heart wants what the heart wants. But nong, get your shit together. Or you will lose him and your career. Sort out your feelings. If you love him, tell him so. Then you will be able to work in peace. When it comes to love, it's all or nothing."
I stared at him, open-mouthed, as he got up and left me to my thoughts. What. The fuck. Was that?
***
But his words got me thinking. I went back to our fan-service clips. I have never actually watched any of that. But now that I am, I could see what he was talking about. My whole world shook as I realized the dumb mistake I'd made in hurting the one I.....I love. I love him?! I love him!
What a time to come to that realization. All too late now. Too fucking late. That hurt I had seen in his eyes wasn't one of a friend's. It was one of someone who was losing the one they love! Why was I so stupid? Why did I not see this before? How could I have missed it? His glances full of love, his gentle caring for my well-being. The way he always gave in to my whims the way he does for no other.
My life turned upside down as I came to these realizations. We loved each other. For real. He loved Saint. Not Pete. And I loved him. Not Ae. I still love him. I wondered if he still loves me too.
This is what I have been missing all this time. The gaping hole in my chest could only be filled with his warmth, his love. I knew that now. I knew now, what it was that I have been yearning for, all this time. I wanted to have that brat in my arms, and have him in my bed too, the bed that have begun to feel cold ever since I lost my brat.
But now was not the time for it. If I started something with him now, I won't be able to do my new work because I'd feel guilty. I will wait till this is over. It was easier said than done....
***
I was kissing lips I wasn't used to. Lips that weren't plump. Lips that didn't have the taste that I wanted no matter how much I searched. I remember sucking on his plump bottom lip wishing I could do it forever. He tasted like cinnamon and vanilla.
I was being touched by another, a friend; to all intents and purposes. A friend I wasn't comfortable with getting intimate. Just a good friend.
I remembered how he would grind his hips to mine in an intimate scene by instinct. His weight was just right. His warmth so comforting. I remembered his soothing scent saturating the air between us. I remembered wanting to strip him and take him then and there. The very feelings that had me fleeing in fright from the one I really wanted.
Every time I act with my screen partner, I think of only one person. Imagining I was kissing him, being touched by him, is all that kept me going. The scene we were acting now, grazing close to each other's intimate areas; I got hard. But not for my screen partner. It was for him. I got a raging boner imaging it was him that was touching me. I involuntarily ground myself into the hand that was hovering over me.
"Perth!" the cry escaped my lips before I could stop myself. Movement stopped. Everyone froze. I snapped my eyes open as I came to my senses. Sobs ripped out of my chest as my eyes fell on someone else. Someone who wasn't him. I curled up on the couch and cried. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I needed his hugs. I needed his soft kisses. I needed to be held in his arms. I needed to feel him sniffing me like he used to. I needed Perth. There, I said it. I need him.
I didn't know for how long I stayed that way, for how long I ripped myself apart thinking of what-ifs. I didn't let anyone else close to me, instinctively shying away from anyone who wasn't him. It was so painful. Someone must have called my mother, for i felt her pulling my head to her lap as if I were still a baby, petting me and trying to soothe me. I remember her telling me not to take this path. She knew my heart before I did. She told me that it'll only hurt me. But I was stubborn, obstinate. I did not listen.
"I can't do this Mae."
"This is the path you chose. Be a man and see it to its end. We can think of the rest later. Mae will help you."
***
I saw my heart's desire at the Line Tv awards. I wish I could walk up to him, hold his waist like I used to. He looked so handsome. It saddened me that he had to walk in alone. It hurt me when the MC insensitively questioned him about it. There was sorrow in his eyes for those who knew to see it.
The joy that filled me at his victory was short lived. I was rudely snapped out of it with what he did next. He laid his beautiful lips on that award and kissed it. He bestowed it a kiss! Only I can have his kisses! Really? My inner voice added dryly. It was enough to bring me back to reality. The heartbreaking reality that the one I love isn't mine. I had no right to be possessive, yet I couldn't help it. I love him. I love him. I love him. I wanted to go hug him. I wanted to feel his arms around me again, cradling me to him like he used to as if I was the most precious thing on the planet.
The business caging me to another will end soon. Then, then I will go after my prey. Hunt him down. Use whatever means necessary and own his heart and soul and have him in my life and on my bed. After that I can take my revenge from him for kissing something that wasn't me! My irrational jealousy that the dumb award received his sweet kisses instead of me, had me fleeing the venue in a rage before I did something completely idiotic.
***
