Her // Joe Goldberg (COMPLETED)

17

You were rubbing your forehead just trying to get the news to sink in. "Dickhead. S-she what ? She died ? How ? Overdose ? Is she in Kelsey's room ?" he kept asking, he was now pacing as the woman just nodded, she needed to just rip the bandaid off. "She was found at seven-thirty this morning by a waiter on the back stairs. She fell. From what Kelsey-Jay saw last night, we assume the drugs got the better of her. Addictions an illness, the woman was sick" she explained as Justin went into panic mode. "Does Charlie know ? How's he reacting" he asked, he wanted to know everything, he viewed Bianca Wells as his mother, someone who deserved a second chance. Justin Elliott was the last of you with hope for her. "To tell you the truth honey, I don't know. Of course, it was a shock, stopped eating and went for a walk. He came back alright at-least he's saying he is and acting it anyway. How alright can you be after loosing someone you loved that intensely for that long ?" she said, she was reassuring but to give the woman credit where credit was due, she was giving you all the information you wanted and was being honest. You and Reece were looking right at each-other. He seemed unfazed, the woman who ruined his life, the woman who was the reason he went to juvie was dead, he was free. It was all over his face. "What am I meant to say to that ?" you asked, you were deep in thought, you didn't know how to feel. "Um, how about, the woman who gave me life just died, I was the last to see her and will always have that" he said sarcastically, he thought it was obvious, that you'd be grateful to have shared some of her final moments. You heard him, I knew you did from the way you were rubbing where she'd tried to strangle you but you ignored it. "How can you grieve somebody you didn't know ?" you asked desperately, you didn't know.

"She was your biological mother, you'll always have that bond no matter what" Jen began but you shook your head adamantly. "You're my mother. She wasn't" you said as she just told you to take a minute to let it sink in. Justin, of course was running his mouth but Reece was quick to jump to your defence. "Where do we go from here ? A funeral ? She didn't have anybody" Justin said frantically, he was concerned. As you said he always forgave her, he wanted to do right by her. "Not our problem" Reece said with his arms folded as Justin scoffed. "Not our problem ? You're taking the piss. She's our mother" he said like it was obvious but Jen told you to talk about it with fresh heads because it would end up in fighting otherwise.  At the breakfast table, people saw Charlie as hiding his emotions well, the same as you and Reece however the reality was he was stoned. The stench was circulating around the room and his eyes were as red as the blood I saw last night. No one would bring this up though, he was grieving. "Sorry but we need to talk about this as a family, how do we say goodbye to her, y'know, lay her to rest" Justin said, making the atmosphere tense and everyone awkward. "Not with Cody here" you said through a mouthful of fruit as he scoffed. "Sorry, not all of us are full time caregivers to kids with fathers who fucked off and don't give a shit. We need to talk about this" he said harshly which made Cody tilt his head. "Where is my dad ?" he asked innocently as your face dropped and then hardened. "He couldn't come, he had work. We'll see him so soon. Why don't you go with Carl and see the fish" you said over-enthustically so he took him to view the fish in the lobby. "You're upset, I get that but don't fucking take it out on Kelsey and the kid. You're not the only one with shit" Reece warned which Justin just sighed at it.

"Whatever we do for her, I want to a part of it. Give her a proper send off, its like Charlie dying" he said as Reece sighed, he'd be the voice for both of you. "You're kidding right ? You live with Charlie, he's quite literally your rock and you spend every day with him. What did she ever give you except a fuck load of trauma and mommy issues. Do we need to bring up Honey ?" he said unamused as you brother ignored the last comments and looked at him like the answer to everything was obvious. "Life Reece. The same thing she gave to you and Kelsey-Jay" he said like the pair of you were stupid and just hadn't thought of it. "A fucked up life. She gave us a life you and I barely lived with her before being adopted. That woman never gave us love like we got" you said, it was the first words you spoke but it left an impact.

Cody ran back through the dining area with Carl chasing behind him. He ran right up next to you and began tapping you which you plastered a smile on for and titled your head. You'd drop everything for whatever he needed. "Where's Bianca ?" he asked which made your head shoot to Justin, then Jen, they were the ones who brought it up. "She's dead, isn't she ?" he continued, he didn't understand the weight of it but understood to an extent. "She felt no pain sweetheart. She was really sick" you began but it was enough for him. He darted back to Carl shouting about how he wanted to see Nemo and Dory. "Enough of the arguing. Me and her don't believe in God. She wanted to be cremated, she didn't want a service. We talked about it all incase one of us were to get too, uh, too caught up in the lives we were living. It's up to you what you want to do" Charlie eventually slurred through a shrug. It was the first time he made his presence known to the table. "I'm going to New York tomorrow morning" you began as Justin laughed. "Fine, you do that. Kelsey-Jay and her little perfect life. I assume you won't show either Reece. That's fine too. The three of us-no, four of us are celebrating her life today" he said, he'd make you all do it anyway as you looked to me. You felt bad for him. He, like the rest of you hated her for what she did but didn't want her to die alone. It was his own biggest fear so didn't want it for anyone else. You, your father and two brothers went out for the day and I brought Cody to the park. It was bittersweet as I suspected. Justin was making his feelings blatantly obvious and occasionally slipping off to cry, Reece genuinely didn't care and you, you didn't know how to feel. You felt like a horrible person for not feeling anything towards her but honestly Kelsey, you didn't know her. She brought you nothing, sometimes life is just like that.

You informed me you all had a Brandy Coke in her name, how you hated it but went along with it to keep the peace. This is who you are, you'd never let someone down because you were so used to it. You were sitting cross legged on my bed telling me the story and I swear you were getting closer and closer. Were you finally starting to see what I had ?

On the plane, you cried in the bathroom for a solid ten minutes but came back acting like you hadn't. Defeated, you rested your head on my shoulder, it's been so long since somebody's done that. You made me feel able to love again and that's what scares me. It scares me so much to love somebody so whole and completely and have them not feel the same. You're so different to Guinevere Beck, you wouldn't fool someone into falling in love with you if you didn't feel or know you were going to feel the same way.
Your head was resting on my shoulder and your pinky finger was resting on top of mine as the plane flew through the sky. Many people slept but not us, you were invested in a conversation. We had a plan that morning. We were friends now, we'd agreed we'd meet up afterwords.

"You're more than a client to me now" I'd seen you at your most vulnerable.