The Battles Of A Warrior

Standing Back Up

What I could only describe as a dark pit of pure sadness spread from my chest to my gut. Grabbing my chest I fall to my knees and let out a warriors cry. I had dealt with this before, this level of depression had tried to take my life before just last year. My daughter runs from the hallway in just her diaper and takes my tear-streaked face in her hands. Her soft palms begin to caress my hair. "Mommy. Mommy." She repeats. This only pushes me to cry out more. She didn't deserve this. Her pure little soul didn't need to witnesses mine fighting to stay Earthbound.

"You're a horrible mother." I hear the nagging voice in my head. "Look at you. You can't even keep yourself together emotionally for her!" I cripple into a ball of sobs. It physically hurt. This feeling of failure had a physical feeling. Utter and complete fear ran through every part of my body. What if I actually did it? What if I took all the pills in the bathroom? Who would care for her? My sister. She would be a great mother. My family wouldn't miss me that much, they would all move on in a couple of years. I wasn't that vital of a part. I didn't have much to contribute but a disappointment, to begin with.

It wasn't like I had anyone waiting for me on the other side either. That's if there is an Otherside. Given my life choices, hell would be waiting for me if it existed. But this was hell. Right? It had to be. "Your daughter needs you. Your family needs you." I scream in my head. "Get the fuck up!" My whole body shakes with cries as I try and sit up. "Come on! Get the fuck up! You are stronger than this. Fight!" I let out another hollar from my chest. My eyes are swollen as I stand. My daughter clings to my leg. She was looking up at me, and the confusion in her eyes broke my heart. I had never let her see me like this. She was a couple of months from being 2 years old now, hopefully, she wouldn't remember this.

I force myself to take in a deep breath. It catches so I go to try again. This time I was able to keep the air in my lungs. Holding it I shake my head trying to clear the thoughts running ramped in my head. There were always two sides. One yelling what a failure I was, and the other desperately trying to tell me I was going to live. I needed help. "Yes. There you go. Yes, you need help. Call someone." I hear the side that wanted to live cry out. I go for my phone. "Do you really think they will care though? I mean you've done this before, right? Did they seem to care then?" The other voice whispers. I pause my phone in hand.

I walk down the hall. I hear my daughter's feet padding after me. "If you take all the pills now and call your sister. You can care for her till she arrives. If you take enough you'll be dead right as she pulls up." My plan. "NO! What the actual hell! Do you really want your daughter to have that story to tell?" Fresh hot tears begin to escape. "FUCK!" The first word in hours comes out into the real world. I never said I was an eloquent person. I was rough around the edges. Damaged. I had edges so sharp they even caused me to bleed. Crouching down I bow my head. "Mommy. Mommy." I feel my daughter's hand patting my back.

This was a defining moment in my life. I knew that. This was the fork in the road of my journey. I had a choice. I either choose to live and make this life work for me the best I could, or I end it before it really began. I begin to force myself to think on the positive aspects of who I was as a person. I was strong, resilient, passionate, kind, talented, and hilarious. "You have so much to offer to this world. You have so much to say. To write. To give!" My head begins to nod in agreeance. "Block the negative. Ground yourself in the here and now. Do not focus on failure. This is temporary. All of this. This is only a phase. It too shall pass. Brighter days are coming." I roll my eyes at hope clique I sound in my own head.

You could tell I had read and studied a lot on how to deal with things like this. Mental health was a huge interest of mine. I was very analytical, so studying was something I did to entertain myself during my downtime. I found the human brain to be fascinating. How chemicals could literally change the way you feel towards yourself and others. My brain was sick. It was no different than getting a cold and needing rest and medication. I just needed to be on medication to correct the chemicals in my brain. That was all. For some reason, these thoughts calmed me more than the emotional chatter I had been using before.

For the 3 time I get to my feet. I look at my beautiful little girl and force a smile to ease her anxiety. "Mommy is okay baby." I say going to pick her up. "Mommy just needs help and that is exactly what she is going to do. Mommy is going to get help."