A Silent Love

I Love You

Christmas day crept up, but for once I am prepared. I have all my presents organised and my day planned out. I've decided that now is as good as any other to tell Rachel how I really feel. I've sorted out what I want to do while here in New York. I'm working part time at the moment, teaching dance down at a dance academy, mostly to kids and teens, but the odd couple of adults. I'm only a couple of thousand dollars short of having enough money to hopefully start up my own dance studio.

I will just be here in New York for Christmas with Rachel. He dads are coming up for Boxing Day, as they can't make it for Christmas day and Rachel can't have any other time off because Funny Girl is still showing. She finishes two weeks after Christmas so she's going back to Lima to see them then. I'm not sure if I'll be going, hopefully I can because I haven't been home for a while, but I don't want to be a hassle to her.

My plan is to talk to her over Christmas dinner. And I'm not going to sugar coat it, I'm just going to come out and tell her. I've been bottling it up for too long and she has to know. I have to know if she feels the same so that I can plan for me and know if she'll be a part of it. I'm getting older and I'd like to settle down in the near future.

Rachel arrived home from the last rehearsal session before the next show after Boxing Day. It was only a half day, so it was around one o'clock when she got home. We continued her Christmas tradition of watching Christmas movies, not the cheesy, kiddie ones. But movies like Love Actually. I was glad we didn't watch any of the other kinds, because that's what I always did with my parents and I don't want to relive those times. She had actually suggested we do, but when I went all quiet and then kind of angry at the suggestion she just forgot about it. I didn't mean to be rude to her, but I get emotional, mostly angry, when I think about my parents.

We went to bed just before midnight. It was the usual time for us when we had nothing to do the next day and were just taking it easy.

I found it a bit hard to sleep. I'm positive that it's because I was nervous about the next day. I have no idea how she's going to react. She might hate me and never want to see me again, which I hope not, or if I'm lucky, admit she feels the same. There has to be some part of her that feels the same. I'm sure of it. The way she acts sometimes, and looks at me. It's not the usual way that you look at your friends unless you feel something more, like I do.

I lay awake for about an hour before I drifted off, slowly, but finally. It was excruciating just lying there and having to put up with it. I didn't fight the sleep, I gave into it willingly, knowing that the time would fly and I wouldn't be conscious for most of it. I was a little hesitant to give in to the sleep at first, because I knew that the nightmares would return and I would be in for a night of horrors as usual.

I recovered in Rachel's arms, as usual these days. She just held me; we didn't have to speak anymore. We knew there was nothing to say, I mean, what could you possibly. 'I'm sorry this creep who raped you is in your dreams every night. It really sucks'. I like the silence though. It's calming and just perfect.

"Rachel, I love you," I broke the silence. It was a spur of the moment thing and I decided it was a perfect time and I was sick of hiding. She knows everything else there is to know about me; she deserves to know this for all that she's done for me.

"I love you too Quinn," I felt her smile. She mustn't have thought I was serious, of course.

"No seriously Rachel. I love you so much. For real... I mean it..." I trailed off and anticipated her reply. I felt her go tense and shuffle to move. I sat up to allow her the leeway.

"Okay..." she sounded nervous and there was a hint in her tone that suggested she thought I still wasn't serious. "Are you sure?" she looked a little shocked and embarrassed.

"Yes, Rachel. One hundred per cent."

"Because if you're messing with me, it's not cool Quinn. And if so, just stop now!" she seemed to be getting a little angry and he voice raised a little.

"No I'm not. I thought a t first that it was just a silly little feeling and that it would go away, but then I came here and that just reinforced how much more I love you." I felt myself begin to babble and had started to get closer to her. She was looking down at the ground and her eyes were wide. She was still unsure but I was certain that underneath she felt the same, at least a little. I grabbed her face in my hands and tilted her head up to face me. Before I knew what I was doing, I leant into her and pressed my lips against hers. I kissed her as deeply as possible without coming on too strong. She was hesitant as first but eased into it. Then she pulled away quickly, her hand raised to her face and covering her mouth.

The tears started to weep from her eyes before she turned toward the door and was running almost. I didn't move. Obviously she needed space and I would just wait for her to come around. I heard the door to the apartment slam and jumped at the noise. It may take her a bit longer than I anticipated, but I am willing to wait. Isn't that what I've been doing all these years? I've just been waiting for Rachel, waiting for our chance.