A Silent Love

The Journey

The warm air radiating from the rail cart greeted my skin welcomingly, shrinking the ridges that had formed on my skin. I had been waiting for this chance for months. But being busy with my final exams before graduation has forced me to put it off, although it has been all I could think about. Whether I was studying, sleeping or in class, she found her way into my thoughts, along with my plans for this time.

Rachel had graduated from NYADA a few months ago, and I was disappointed that I couldn't be there. I had my graduation ceremony the day after hers and I wouldn't have had enough time to travel between New York and Connecticut to make it to both. Between packing and the constant nagging from my mother to visit her I've been kept pretty busy.

I love my mother, don't get me wrong, but since Dad left her she's been on my back constantly and gets a bit overwhelming. I don't get as much distance anymore as she has no one else to occupy her time. I used to think I had it perfect, before Dad left that was. We would go places together, just the three of us. I'd enter in charity balls, and my father would tell me that I was going to be the most beautiful girl there.

Now he can't stand the look of me, and it's my fault that he left. Although Mum seems to have more freedom and isn't so controlled, I know that it has torn her apart and I hate myself every day for it. If I hadn't made the stupid mistake of letting Puckerman get me drunk off wine coolers and let him sleep with me, I would never have gotten pregnant and my family would still be together.

But there was an upside to the whole getting pregnant situation and the drama that it brang. I learnt a lot about myself, and the people surrounding me. But greatest of all, I have an angel in my life, my daughter Beth. And Rachel and I have become a lot closer through the whole ordeal and the year following it.

And now here I am, twenty two and headed across the country to surprise the one person that I thought I knew the most about. But it turns out that I really know nothing about her. And in moving to New York, my goal is to get to know her, as I should have all through high school instead of playing the rich spoilt girl that I did. I wheeled my bag behind me and found a seat near the front of the carriage. Everything important to me that I own is in my bag. I donated the rest of my stuff as I don't want to be tied down with the past. I'm starting fresh and picking up where I should have always ended up. In New York, performing and teaching and spending time with my friends. I've drifted so far from where I always thought I'd end up. I pictured myself having fun with Rachel and Santana, dancing. Although it's not the most stable career path, I've always wanted to be a performer or dance teacher. I may not be the best, but it's in my blood. Since I was a little kid, I've loved it.

Dancing was one thing that Rachel and I have bonded over. Not every part of our lives has been the same and we never made time for each other, but in Glee club and dancing, we were at our best. It stopped us from fighting and put aside our differences. We were enemies in the first few years of high school, but I wish we hadn't been. I never hated her, I was always jealous of her. I wanted everything that she had. She has an amazing voice; she's always been pretty, perfect in every way. She never knew how lucky she was. I knew that she was always wishing to be someone else, mostly me or Santana. But she didn't know how it felt underneath, or why we chose that path we did. It was not a blessing, as she had seen it. It was a living hell. I couldn't just go and do whatever I wanted, I had a reputation to uphold and I was so restricted. She had so much freedom and she didn't realise how lucky she was...

Time had flown by as I sat looking out the window. We were pulling into central station when the chime over the speaker brought me back to reality and a voice announced our arrival. When I realised that I was here, for real, the nerves washed over me. I never get nervous; people back in high school described me as having 'nerves of steel'. Nothing every really used to bother me, at least I didn't show it. For some reason, Rachel is the one thing that sends me insane and almost makes a wreck of me.

I stepping off the train onto the platform, I never thought that I would be so grateful for the cold, winter air. My cheeks were flushed and I was almost sweating from how worked up I was getting just thinking about it. I dragged my bag behind me to the street to hail a taxi. After ten minutes of trying, I was finally successful.

I told the driver her address, which I had kept since our final weeks of high school when we had promised to stay in touch with each other, instead of just talking about it. I've had her beautifully handwritten address on me at almost all times since she gave it to me. I think of it as my good luck charm. If I keep it with me, I will have the motivation to end up there as I have always wished. It's a place that I have wished almost every night that I could be. Instead of curled up, cold and alone in my dorm room back in Yale.

It wasn't a very long trip there. It seemed like no time at all had passed since we had pulled away from the curb at central station, to pulling into the one out the front of her apartment.

The walls were plain, faded, red brick that had an old, homely feel. The fire escape ladder had long ago rusted away to be two stubs of metal protruding from the wall. The stairs were no better, half of them missing. And what little remained, you wouldn't dare walk on, in fear of falling to a certain death.

I hurried over to the entrance of the building, wanting to get out of view of anyone who might happen to be standing at the window. I wanted it to be a surprise, and her seeing me from the window would surely wreck it.