Confessions of an Ex-Death-Eater

Friday 7th December

'But you didn't. The fact that you're still here, looking after him and Scorpius is testament to that. And, back then, he knew how much you loved him even during the worst of it, that much is clear from his book. If he ever doubted you, he wouldn't have tried to save you.'

She reached up and cupped his cheek softly, just as she had done in the garden a month earlier. 'You're a good man, Harry. That's why I ask about your intentions, I don't mean to embarrass you, it's because I want to look out for him. I don't want to see him hurting anymore. I want to protect him. I see that in you too, but I don't want him to build up his hopes if you don't intend to stay around.'

She dropped her hand away and took a step away from Harry. 'Let me know when you have made up your mind about what you feel for my son.'

'Narcissa...' he faltered. He didn't know what to say.

'I understand, Harry, I can see the conflict in your eyes. Perhaps you need to ask yourself, what's holding you back and question why. He's in the snug, he'll be wondering where you are and what's keeping you.'

Harry had no doubts that Narcissa didn't want to discuss this any further and that he was dismissed. He almost wished he could talk to her, he needed that mother-figure for advice. He had Molly, of course, but talking to Molly about his feelings for Draco just didn't seem right. And as much as Mione tried, he felt he was always comparing himself to her and Ron. And Gin, well, Gin just teased him and told him have sex. This was more than that. He wandered off to the snug and found Draco snuggled under a warm blanket next to a blazing fire. He still looked rather pale and tired.

'There you are.' Draco whinged half-heartedly. 'I wondered if you'd got lost and if I'd have to bother my poor weak legs into coming to find you.'

'Your mother wanted to have a quick chat with me.'

'And?' Draco looked at him questioningly.

'And that's between her and me.' He took the seat opposite Draco and sat back, studying the blond man. 'I brought you some grapes, they're meant to help, apparently.'

'Thank you.' He prodded around in the paper bag, pulling out a few grapes and savouring each one slowly.

Harry decided it was better not to watch and instead he observed the flames in the fire licking around the smouldering logs. A silence fell between them.

'You look contemplative, Harry.'

'Just lots to think about. Anyway, it's me who should be asking about you, how are you doing today?'

'Better, thank you for helping yesterday, though I am left frustratingly weak after episodes like that, to the extent that I struggle to grip things or even hold a heavy mug of tea. I haven't been that bad in a while and it must have been rather frightening for you not knowing what was going on.'

'Will you tell me about it, Draco. Tell me what happens and what treatments you've been given.'

Draco stared at him, slightly wide-eyed. 'Why do you want to know?'

'Because...' maybe it was too personal to be asking this of Draco. 'Because I want to understand. Because I want to know what to do if it happens again. Because I want to be here for you.'

Draco quirked an eyebrow but Harry knew that much was true. He did want to be there for Draco. He never wanted to see Draco in that state again and that meant one of two things; either knowing how to prevent it from happening again or turning his back and walking away. He knew in his heart that is was never going to be the latter option. He had heard a muggle saying along the way and he mumbled aloud, 'because if I can't love you at your worst then I don't deserve you at your best...'

'Harry?'

Harry quirked an embarrassed smile, he hadn't quite meant to declare that out loud when he was still sifting through his emotions. 'Muggle saying,' he muttered, 'about accepting the bad with the good.'

Draco looked slightly flushed, 'I see.'

'Do you?' Harry suddenly wanted to snap, frustrated by his soaring emotions and the frustration of his fears, but he kept his temper at bay.

Draco was studying him again. 'You are like Jane,' he said softly. 'You control that impetuous side to your nature at all times. I wonder what it would be like to see you let go. I saw it at school but that was different, there were teenage hormones and Voldemort thrown into the mix, but now, Harry, what holds you back?'

'Merlin, what is it with everyone asking me not to hold back? Anyway, you've changed the subject. I asked about you first. You look tired still and too pale.'

'I am pale, Potter! Pale and pointy, apparently.'

Harry smiled, 'I believe I might have thought that myself on more than one occasion. Have you slept better?'

'Yes. Don't mother me, it's bad enough with one mother, I don't need two.'

'I think I have every right to mother you, you collapsed on me and scared me half to death. I had to carry you up to your bed.'

Draco blanched slightly, 'I don't remember. You didn't change me into my pyjamas as well.'

'No, I turned my back while Elsie did that.'

'I'm not sure I would have been so chivalrous had our positions been exchanged.'

'I expect no less, you're a cunning Slytherin who will use devious means to get want you want.'

'What, like seeing Harry Potter naked?' Draco smirked.

Harry blushed, 'probably, I know enough now to know that.'

'That's because I've laid myself bare, metaphorically, to you. You know how I feel about you.'

'Still, Draco? I know what you wrote in your book seven years ago, after a pretty intensive section of our lives together. You know nothing about me, you know nothing of my past, or even my sexual orientation. You compare me to Jane Eyre, but you are too like Rochester, you set me up as this ideal, your Jane. That's not who I am. Are you sure you know how you really feel about me? The real me?'

'I know enough to know what I still feel,' Draco sighed. Then he smirked, 'so, what is your sexual orientation?'

Harry leant forward, his elbows on his knees and then suddenly dropped his head into his hands, scrubbing them through his dark hair in frustration as he refused to look at Draco. 'I can't do this now. You should be resting. Where are your car keys? I'll fetch your car tomorrow and bring it over.'

'Harry?' He felt a hand on his knee and looked up to see Draco on his knees in front of him. Draco cupped his face to hold his gaze, 'I'm not being fair on you, I'm sorry.'

'Just give me a bit of time, Draco. This is all so new. I mean, I know it's not that new, but I've never really dealt with it all. I had a bit of a moment after you sent me the book, Mione and Gin took me to a gay bar "to experiment", but that was it, a lot of questioning and a confirmation, but I've never acted upon my sexual orientation beyond that, Draco. For the last seven years, I've just looked after Teddy and remained steadfastly asexual. Boringly steadfast,' he said slightly bitterly. He looked into those steel grey eyes and suddenly felt exhausted.

'Tonight, it is you who needs looking after. I'm going to ask Elsie to set you up in the spare room and Teddy and Scorpius can enjoy a sleepover. I'm sure Elsie can find you both spare pyjamas and toothbrushes. In the morning, and only if I know you've had a goodnight's rest, I'll let you take my car keys and get my car. I'm assuming you have a driving licence.'

Harry nodded. 'Thank you.'

'Good. Now, help me up to my room and we'll summon Elsie and let the boys know. They'll be delighted.'

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