Confessions of an Ex-Death-Eater

Thursday 6th December 2007

Draco smiled wistfully, 'I promise I'm not keeping any wives locked up on the fourth floor of the Manor. My past is laid bare, albeit equally as flawed as Rochester's.'

Harry's stomach had moved past the Funny Little Flip-Thing into A Permanent Knotted-State. 'Draco, your past is not your fault, you had no choice. Rochester may not have had a choice in who he married, but he chose his actions thereafter.'

'He was still constrained by the expectations of early-Victorian upper-class society; he would have had little choice other than to send her to an asylum which would have been a disgrace for both him and Bertha. And he could never have divorced Bertha if she was committed to an asylum, that was the law.'

'But that doesn't excuse him; he still chose to lie to Jane and to try to commit bigamy.'

'Yes. He doesn't deserve Jane,' Draco sighed softly and closed his eyes.

'But Jane is equally as flawed.' Harry said quietly. 'She is impulsive and not clear on what she wants. She only knows what she doesn't want. She can't be set up as perfect, as an ideal.' He paused, studying the blond man's face. It seemed pained. 'Draco, I'm going to try and find Elsie and get you some food. Is there anything you want?' He reached out and gently laid a hand on Draco's arm.

'Elsie will know what to do, but could you get me some water, please.' He didn't open his eyes as he spoke.

Later, when Harry was sitting in Ron and Mione's kitchen nursing a cup of tea with Mione while Ron bathed the kids, he complained, 'we talk in metaphors. He gave me Jane Eyre to read and sometimes I don't know if we are talking about the book or us.'

Mione sighed, 'you need to be careful; you could so easily misinterpret what you're both saying.'

'It's bizarre, both Jane and Rochester subject themselves to intense scrutiny, I feel like Draco and I are doing the same. There are too many parallels sometimes. We even talk in terms of Draco being Mr Rochester to my Jane. I think he sees himself as too flawed for me.'

'The question is, how do you see him?'

'I don't know. He confuses me at every turn but when I see him in those times when he is that vulnerable, that broken after what his father and Bellatrix have inflicted upon him, I just want to pull him to me, to keep him safe.'

'Do you love him?' Ron asked from the doorway.

'I don't know.' Harry sunk his head into his hands. 'I think so, but I'm scared.'

'What of, mate? If you love him, then you'll figure it out as you go along.'

'I've been on my own for so long, just me and Teddy. I've not ever had to think about anyone else, there's a selfish freedom to that but then again, Teddy is my priority. I can't help wanting to protect Teddy, he's lost so much over his young life and if I'm not giving him 100% of me, then I feel like I'm letting him down.' Harry looked at Ron and he knew the desperation he felt was reflected in his face.

'Blimey! If I've learnt one thing from having Rose, then it's that loving someone else isn't halving your love. It's finding you have more love to give, different love for each person in your life. Having Rose hasn't diminished my love for Mione, it's given me more and I've found I've more to give them. Don't be scared of finding that, mate, it's fulfilling. Why do you think I gave up being an Auror and chose to stay home with my baby girl? I mean, we all know Mione's destined to be the next Minister of Magic, but that isn't the only reason why I stay home. It's because I love them so much, I want to be here with them. They're the priorities in my life, they're more important to me than fighting random dudes who fancy using a bit a dark magic. I wouldn't exchange a single one of Rose's shitty nappies to go back to that. No, mate, if you want to find space for Draco, you'll just be adding to your world and probably enriching Teddy's life in the process, you'll be giving him a family.'

Harry glanced at Mione and saw one of the rare occasions when she was overcome with emotion, but then who wouldn't be if your partner said such heartfelt, beautiful things about your relationship. He groaned, scared that he'd never be able to emulate what Ron and Mione have. 'But what if that doesn't work? What if I give that to Teddy and then it falls apart?'

'Then it doesn't bloody work, life moves on. But what if it does work and you don't give it a fucking chance, mate?'

'You didn't answer Uncle Ron's question, Dar. Do you love Mr Malfoy?' Teddy nonchalantly lounged against the door frame, mirroring Ron.

'Teddy! This wasn't meant to be a conversation for you to listen in to. And don't you dare repeat any of Uncle Ron's bad language!'

'Oh, I've heard all that before from Frankie at school, his mum says he's got a potty mouth. But you're changing the subject...'

Harry silently cursed ever using that phrase in front of Teddy, the boy was far too bright for his own good.

'Dar?'

'Enough! You're already in plenty of trouble after all that bloody winking last Saturday. I know Draco saw you.'

'Yeh, but I walked in on you two practically snogging in the Christmas tree.'

'We weren't, we were talking...'

'Very closely.'

'Teddy.' Harry's voice dropped an octave in warning not to pursue this any further.

'Harry?' Mione was looking at Harry with a raised eyebrow. Ron was grinning from ear-to-ear as he ruffled Teddy's hair and pulled him in for a cuddle against his side. Teddy beamed up at him conspiratorially.

'I think Scorp would make an ace brother, we're practically twins anyway!' Teddy said with a pragmatic sense of that was all there was to say on matters. He changed his hair white-blond as if to finalise his case.

'And I think I should be getting you home for bed. Don't you dare repeat any of this to anyone.'

*****