Diary of a Crazy Nigerian

Chapter 1

PTI. The home of many taxis. If you're coming from Udu and need to go to Abraka, Oreokpe, Eku etc then you are meant to know PTI. And this PTI is where I'm standing and where my own personal story begins.

Now take a look. There are people moving about and also if you look closely, you'll find out there's a little commotion and people are gathered at a particular place forming a small circle. Some of them are also stretching their necks like giraffes to see what's happening. Good thing I'm at the front so I can get a full view of what's happening. But, that aside I'm pretty sure you all want to know why people are gathered here right?

The reason is because there's a woman who could as well have been carrying a child for 12 months. Who cares right? That's the thing. This woman is just too fat and I'm pretty sure if I picked a fight with her I'll be singing six feet under immediately.

You thought she was me right? Well sorry to burst your bubble but, that's not me. Turn a little to the right. Within the circle. No not too far. Turn left a little. You see that girl with that fine shuku. She's dark, wearing blue ripped jeans and a black polo with one fine black slippers. The shuku has two colours I know and she's also having like two travelling bags with her and a smaller bag hanging across her shoulders; yes that's me.

Now, I know you're wondering why I'm in a circle I don't really fit in but no need I'm getting to that. Where was I before that famous description? Oh yes the fat lady.

So this lady that may as well be able to carry a coffin alone is hanging from a keke. Yes hanging because she's holding it like her life depends on it. And the irony of the situation is that the keke driver is the opposite of this woman.

"Oga where you dey go so? You go give me my change oh. You must give me. You no dey commot here if you no give me" the woman said as she held on to the keke screaming.

"Madam leave this thing oh. Leave the keke so. I dey warn you. Una go just dey misbehave anyhow. See the way you be.You just fat anyhow. When you enter I no tell you say na #100 (hundred naira) you go pay? I no tell you?" the keke man told the lady as he tried moving the keke. Keyword tried. Because he couldn't. Not with a woman like that clinging to the keke.

"Wetin be that one now? No wetin be that one. Na because say you see me for here abi? Your wife so e get body reach me? Your wife fit carry wetin I carry ehn? See as you lekpa. Idiot. The keke wey e be say I enter sef no even fine. Idiot" she replied.

"Who go even wan marry you sef? Abeg leave my keke make i dey go." He said

"Your papa. Your real papa. Na me you dey insult so abi? You never see anything. Come drive the keke now make i see you. Idiot." She said

Now this got me laughing. Note I did not laugh out loud. I don't intend to go to my grave early. And that conversation ladies and gentlemen is the reason why I'm in this circle. Well, it's time to go now. I just made a short video of their argument and posted it online. They can keep on arguing for all I care I have somewhere to be now.

I returned my phone to my bag. The little one hung across my shoulder and went over to get myself a taxi to school.

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Okay I've had it with this Papa. That's right I'm in the taxi on my way to school and the papa sitting next to me wants me to adjust again. This is the fourth time. Where the fuck does he want me to move to?

For those of you who don't know, the taxi is a sienna car. Those at the back are usually three and the seat between the drivers side and the last seating of the car (the back) always has three people sitting there.

Now the Papa sitting next to me was unable to pay the four hundred naira but since the driver is a good hearted soul, he let him sit in the taxi. And since this taxi is a big one the back seat and the part where I'm sitting contains four people each.

Since the first time this Papa entered the taxi, he has been telling me to adjust. And get it I'm sitting at the extreme part close to the door wey e be say once I adjust again body go pain me.

"Papa where I wan adjust go again?" I asked him. And note this I'm already annoyed. It dosen't also help the fact that his mouth is smelling. It's like he ate fermented rotten rat for breakfast. I'm also pretty sure he smokes because his teeth is as rotten as a suck-away.

"My pikin no be fight oh. I just say make you shift small make I fit sit down well" he said.

Ahh the old my pikin. I know where this is going and it isn't working. It ain't working. No way. And please don't speak directly in my face.

"Papa I no be your pikin oh. No even start that one. You know say space no dey where I dey but you go still dey say make I shift. Why e be say you no tell the other woman for there make she adjust."

"Where I wan shift go? You no dey see say space no dey?" the woman in turn asked.

"Madam no even start am oh because when I dey shift since you no know oh. Na only me dey here and by the way I never said anything to you. Dey your lane make I dey my lane. Abeg" I told her.

"Na to shift cause all these matter oh. Oya no shift again. No be quarrel sef" Papa said.

"Papa when I talk give you before I tell you say I dey quarrel? Thank God sef sha because me I no go shift again before" I said as i plugged in my head phone because five minutes later, Papa said to adjust again and this time, he disturbed everybody in the seat because he started moving recklessly.

Thank God say e no disturb me sef because me I for give am shenge.

I finally arrived at my hostel and went straight to my bed after I had my bath. My roommates laughed when I gave them the gist of what happened on my way to school.

I had just woken up when I picked up my phone. I had a hell load of missed calls from my mother which I'll return later. The thing is that I know why she's calling and if I answer her now, I'm in deep shit. Not that I'll still not be in deep shit when I call her later.

The thing which made my day was the message I received from my friend Segun. I know it's weird but I met him online and he has never been to Nigeria even if it's his home country. And also, I may or may not have a massive crush on him. Okay scratch that I have a massive crush in him but we've never met in person.

I read his message again to be sure I wasn't mistaken. He wrote
' That post had me. Although I don't really know how to speak pidgin I do understand it. Oh and brace yourself. I'm coming to Nigeria. I would really love to meet you also. Do show me around your famous Warri when I come around okay? '

He then added that winking emoji. And blast. I screamed. This is the best day ever