Why me?

The Snap

No, it's not that kind of snap, don't panic.

She spent most of the next few days in her room, sorting out her clothes only leaving to come and get food, making the decision that throwing up was better than dry heaving constantly. On Sunday, three days after Annie's death, and once she'd gone twenty-four hours without vomiting, I went up to her room to get her down for lunch. I knocked once, and I heard a muffled reply.

"Who is it?"

"It's Steve, Jess."

"Steve, thank god, come in. Something's not right," She said, relief flooding her voice. I went in and found her on the floor, trying to pull her legs off the ground, but failing to move them. "This has happened before, but never for this long. I did tell JARVIS to tell you, but apparently, he wasn't listening as that was nearly an hour ago. Could you possibly help me off the floor?" I went over, put my hands under her arms and lifted her onto her bed. "Thanks. I think they've gone for a while. The doctors told me it was degenerative, and at some point, the nerve endings would give up altogether, this could be temporary, or permanent. It's a waiting game now."

"What exactly does that mean then?" I asked warily, not knowing what to say. My intern was possibly paralysed, not that that would change anything, she was practically one of the family now.

"It means I can no longer walk or move using my legs at all for the foreseeable future."

I took her downstairs when she was ready, carrying her, and put her on the couch she had slept on a few nights ago. Tony looked surprised when I walked in with Jess sat on my hip, arms around my neck. "I swear you carry that girl everywhere; she has two predominantly functional legs y'know, Cap!" Jess sobbed once, shaking in my arms. "What's happened?" he asked nervously as I placed her on the couch next to him.

"Happened" She'd done it again. Repeating the end of a sentence, but this time she hadn't lowered her voice. Clint looked up from where he had been staring at his phone and pulled a face. He'd noticed it too, of course he'd noticed it, it was one of his biggest 'tells' to his autism. "In short, I am likely paralysed now, so no, I don't have two functional legs." She said in a clipped voice, looking at the ceiling. I could tell she was trying not to cry. First, she loses her family aged nine, then looses her last relative and her ability to move independently in the same week.

"Jess, it's OK to be upset, you don't have to hide anything." Tony said, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

Her face fell into rage and she shook off his hand; knowing Jess, she would have been pacing angrily now if she could. "But that's not true, is it. I have to hide EVERYTHING! I have to hide the fact that I'm still grieving my family, or I'd never be able to live my life alone and independently. I have to hide the fact that I nearly have an anxiety attack when someone walks into a room. I have to hide the fact that I haven't slept soundly since Annie died because I keep dreaming of the accident or of seeing her stop breathing. Yeah, I watched her stop breathing, she was reaching out, squeezing my hand and begging me not to let her fucking go! I have to hide the fact that I saw my baby sister fly through the windshield in The Brooklyn Wreck like a fucking doll. Now I have to hide the fact that I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown every five fucking seconds because I lost my last remaining relative who likes me, and my own fucking independence in the space of four days! So yes, I do have to hide things." She screamed. The second she finished, she looked stunned with herself, clapping her hands over her mouth and bursting into fresh tears. Bucky, who was now sat on her other side, pulled her over and put his arm around her shoulders, rubbing her arm.

"Jess, you never have to hide any of this from us. Have you told anyone this?" He asked, trying not to say the wrong thing. She shook her head, not opening her eyes. Tony stood up and left, heading down to his lab; guilt written all over his face. Nat and Clint left the room discreetly, leaving Jess with just me and Bucky. Jess twisted herself around the best she could without movement in her legs, so she was leaning into Bucky now, and she cried into his chest. He just sat with her, rubbing her back with his flesh hand, supporting her with the metal one.

A few minutes later, she sat back, still crying a little, but a little calmer than before. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean any of that." She whispered. Buck and I said nothing, just smiled a little, trying not to look too pitiful. "Can I still train with you if I'm in a wheelchair?" She asked after taking a few breaths and wiping her eyes. Ever the resilient girl I first met just over a year ago.

"Definitely. I can make a few adaptations to the program, and it will work perfectly." I said over my shoulder, heading into the kitchen to get her some water. Tony walked back in, holding a roll of paper. He sat back on Jess's other side and unrolled it across the table angling it so Bucky and I couldn't see it.

"What do you think?" he said smugly, gesturing to the paper and looking at Jess. She took a minute to look over the drawings, then she looked back up at Tony.

"Are you serious? I could walk again?" She said, wide eyed with excitement. Tony nodded.