So this is based off of a video called "my best friend died and it's my fault | dear diary" by Dear Diary, go check the channel out! This imagine talks about depression, suicide and self harm, hence I have put a trigger warning in the title.
I didn't notice anything. His hoodies in the middle of July, how he said "I love you" at least 50 times a day, his 3 hour naps, the missing shine in his eyes whenever I mentioned muffins, how he always pushed me away. I didn't notice any of it, and now, here he is, hooked up to life support, in a coma. The doctors aren't worrying about when he'll wake up.
They're worrying if he'll wake up.
I blame me. I let my own worries and struggles take my mind off of his. I didn't do anything.
Now, sitting on the plastic chair next to my practically dead boyfriend, I sobbed.
"S-Shawn, I-I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I understand if you hate me, I hate me too. I love you and always will. Please, don't end your life like this. Remember what I always say to you, that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem? This pain is temporary, I promise it gets better, just open those dazzling hazel eyes for me and I'll prove it. I know you think no one loves you, and that's okay, you lost your parents and sister 3 months ago, but you've got your fans, your team, a-and m-me" I choked.
Suddenly, the heart monitor started acting up. A nurse came running in
"He's waking up!" she said as more doctors and nurses came into the room.
"Babe? Can you hear me?" I asked, struggling to believe he was actually alive. He squeezed my hand in response, and opened his eyes. He saw how heartbroken I was, and he started crying.
"I-I'm so sorry Y/N, I just thought I was worthless, my parents were the ones I came to, and I thought if they couldn't help me through it, then no one would, so th-that's w-why I shut you out. But, when you made that speech, I knew I'd hurt you, and I am so sorry for that." He said
"Baby, it's okay, just, come to me. I know you have trust issues because of previous girlfriends, but I promise I'm here to stay. Honestly, right now, I'm just so happy you're even alive and talking to me" I replied.
"I love you" the simple phrase fell off his lips. I scooted my chair nearer his bed and placed a light kiss to his temple.
"You know what babe? If you go a year without harming yourself or attempting to take your life again, I'll give you a really big surprise" I say as I smile lightly.
18 months later
Shawn is officially a year clean. It took 6 months after his suicide attempt to stop cutting, a lot of mental breakdowns, nightmares about me leaving him for someone better, endless negative self-talk, hours upon hours of learning to love himself again, and probably thousands of I love yous, cuddles and kisses, but he's gone a full 365 days without making a single cut on his body.
Today was the day he'd receive his surprise gift. Although I'd waited a year and a half for this day, I was nervous. I was asking the love of my life to marry me, why wouldn't I be nervous?
Yep, Shawn's reward for a year clean was an engagement.
"Babe, wake up" I said as I lightly shook his shoulders
"Mhhh" he groaned.
"Baby, do you know what today is?" I asked excitedly.
"No? Tuesday?" he asked. I chuckled and shook my head.
"A year ago today, my precious baby, was the last time you took a knife to your skin. You're a year clean baby!" I said. Shawn practically shot up and I turned the lamp on. I looked back at him, he had tears streaming down his face, and the widest smile I have ever seen. He tackled me onto my back and into a massive bear hug. We didn't say anything, we just held each other and cried.
"My baby, I am so so so so so proud of you" is all I was able to say.
"I'm proud of myself too, but I couldn't have done this without you, my beautiful baby girl, by my side through everything. Holding me while my body shook with sobs as breakdowns consumed my body, those bad days where all we would do is curl up on the couch, you would hold me close, run your fingers through my hair, and constantly give me kisses. We would wake up half an hour early each morning, just so we could spend that time cuddling together, while we were still both half asleep. Every day you've helped me battle my depression, and look at me now, because of you, I'm a year clean. I love you." He said, filling every single word with love and emotion.
"Now, 18 months ago, I said I had a surprise for you. We have to catch a ferry, but it'll be worth it, I promise" I explained. I was planning to propose on the shore of Toronto Islands, there was a perfect view of the skyline, and the fact that we would arrive just before sunset made it even more perfect.
"Hmm, I wonder what you're up to. Do I need to wear anything special?" he asked curiously.
"A button up and dress pants with a nice pair of shoes would be perfectly fine baby" I replied.
We both got dressed, I had kept the dress in my wardrobe, I put it on and paired it with some black heeled boots
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After we ate breakfast, we got in the car and started driving to the ferry port. Once we got there, we got our car onto the ferry and we soon headed off. It was a short ride, but it didn't seem like it. We eventually arrived, just in time to watch the sunset. It was October, so the sunset was relatively early.
"So baby, what's my surprise?" Shawn asked. "Well" I started as I pulled the ring out of my pocket and got down on one knee. "Oh my God" Shawn replied.
"Baby, we've been dating for 3 years, but the last year and a half has been quite a journey to say the least, but we've gone on that journey together. You can take everything that I love and combine them, and it still wouldn't even come close to the love I have for you. The cuddly mornings, the nights we snuggled up next to each other, the constant hugs and kisses, everything we have done together makes my heart explode with love. So, that being said, will you marry me?" I said and asked.
"Oh my God yes, of course babygirl!" Shawn said as tears streamed down his face. I got up and put the ring on his finger before leaping into his arms, securing my legs around his waist as he held me by my thighs.
