Ascendance

XIX

I was very much grounded.

No training with Rey, no leaving the base without supervision, no spending time with Ellis or Murphy until my mother decided I had learned my lesson. Murphy and Ellis had similar punishments from their parents, although Poe conveniently turned a blind eye whenever Murphy and I snuck into each other's rooms.

My parents were itching to leave, but my father's slow recovery kept them at the base. I hadn't seen much of him, as he kept mostly to his room and didn't want to see anyone besides my mother.

They would leave soon, I knew. They had to. They weren't used to being around so many people all the time, and Poe's inexhaustible patience was somehow wearing thin, my brother insisting on following him everywhere and asking questions about everything.

To say I was restless was an unfortunate understatement. I needed to go outside, to train, to do something. I had way too much energy to stay inside all day, yet that was exactly what I had to do.

On the third day of imprisonment, I found my father outside his room – the first time he had ventured out.

He was in the boarding docks, listening to Finn talk excitedly about a new firing mechanism he had installed on his blaster. He was trying to seem interested, and I couldn't help but laugh a little at how the effort was straining him.

"Can I steal my dad for a bit?" I cut in.

Finn's face fell a little, but he nodded, pointing a finger at my father. "When you get back, I'll show you how this thing holds up against lightsabers."

My father followed me outside, exhaling a long breath. He twitched a little, but didn't seem to notice.

The sun was low in the sky, casting an orange hue over the world around us. We settled on a patch of grass just outside the perimeter of the base, sitting comfortably in silence for a bit.

I smiled softly as my father used the Force to twirl three stones in a circle, watching as they orbited one another slowly without ever coming in contact.

"You used to love it when I did this," he mused, his eyes trained on the stones.

"Then I learned how to do it myself." I waved my hand, plucking a nearby flower and entering it into the orbit.

My gaze wandered to my father's face, and I found myself wondering why he suddenly looked so different. Then it dawned on me.

"Your scar is gone." My eyes traced over the spot where his skin had formerly been split by a jagged scar, a scar he had since long before I'd been born.

"Since the First Order base." He still avoided eye contact.

"I did that?" I raised my eyebrows.

He nodded. There was a long pause, and I lay back in the grass, enjoying the sun's warmth on my skin.

"You know who gave me that scar, right?" He broke the silence after a bit.

"Who?" I watched as a winged insect fluttered lazily by.

"Rey."

I sat up sharply. "Rey?"

He chuckled lightly. "A long time ago."

"Back when you were a leader of the First Order."

The stones dropped back into the grass. My father let out a sigh.

"Dad, those people at the base..." I watched him closely for any kind of response, but he remained carefully expressionless. "They called themselves the Knights of Ren."

"They were a special unit within the First Order. I was assigned as their leader when I first joined."

"They called you a traitor."

"I was a traitor. I left the First Order and joined the Resistance."

"But not before you killed your father." I winced, wishing I had been a bit less abrasive.

His dark eyes searched my face. "How much do you know?"

I shrugged. "At the base, I found this old book. And it showed me that night, when you killed Han."

My father looked away. "Not a day goes by that I don't think of him."

"You regret it. Killing him."

"More than anything." He pulled at the grass, twitching again.

I watched his action, deep in thought. "I also saw a different memory that day."

He turned to me warily.

"I found Mom's old helmet, I think. Well, what was left of it. It was black and red."

After a moment, he nodded, so I continued.

"It showed me the day she was taken by the Resistance. How much that hurt you."

He ran a hand over his face, recalling the day I had spoken of. He opened his mouth to speak, but winced, unable to come up with the words. I leaned forward, and he tilted his head slightly as I pressed my fingers to his temple to draw out the memory.

As I stared at the spot in the sky where the Resistance jet had disappeared, I was filled with a maelstrom of emotions—anger at my own stupidity, regret at having been so blind, but mostly more, than anything, fear that I had lost the only person I had ever loved because of my own selfish ignorance.

I lashed my saber at a nearby tree, feeling my body being overtaken by an overwhelming need for catharsis.

I pulled myself from the memory, nodding in understanding as I absorbed his thoughts. "You seemed like an entirely different person, compared to the first memory."

He merely shrugged.

I nodded, unsure of what to say next. We fell into another silence.

"Rylie, do you believe that people can change?" He spoke at last.

I fiddled with a string on the sleeve of my shirt. "Yes, I think they can."

"If they change for the better..." He paused, gathering himself before speaking again. I watched him guiltily, knowing the effort was taxing for him. "Do you think they can be forgiven for the mistakes of their past?"

I pulled the string, watching as a section of my sleeve began to unravel. "I don't know."

He gave a half-smile. "Nor do I."

Another pause. "Do you believe that I've changed?"

I studied his face, my mind racing. "Yes."

He gave a knowing look, having read my thoughts. "You aren't sure."

"I don't know," I admitted. "I've always known you as my father, as the man who helped raise me. But the man I saw in those memories was someone else entirely, and even if someone is capable of change, I don't know if they can completely leave their past selves behind."

He nodded, accepting my answer.

I chewed my lip. "Dad, can't you show me something? A memory that might convince me otherwise? I don't like feeling this way. I want things to go back to how they were."

"I can't change your mind." He gave me a sideways glance. "You feel how you feel."

"Then... show me something happier. To help balance it all out."

After a slight hesitation, he nodded, pressing two fingers to my temple.