My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
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Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"
Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."
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I try to teach my mom something new everyday.
Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
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My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"
My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago
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My mom used to tuck me in at night...
I think she really wanted a girl.
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Mom I got a boyfriend!
Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.
Mom: But he could be your father!
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about...
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I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
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A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...
"My mom is gonna kill me."
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I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf...
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.
And now we wait.
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birthday card
As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
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What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?
Mom & Dad
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They used to be called "Jumpolines"
...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.
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My mom used to feed me by saying: "Here comes the train!" I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.
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A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."
His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."
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I told my mom "Make me"
She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice"
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A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"
Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"
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TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...
and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
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When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo
I had to put my foot down.
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For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus...
It's the little things that count...
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A police officer stopped my mom's car.
Officer: First name?
Mom: Frida
Officer: Last name?
Mom: Gomam
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
And my mom hit the accelerator.
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A boy is studying for his geography quiz
His mom asks him:
"What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin", says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin."
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin."
"You're so smart, Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz."
