The "L" Word

Revelations: A Life Worth Living

Chapter Ten

          He was alone again.  This time he knew it would be forever.  He couldn’t let another person into his life, it was just too painful.  As he sat on the sofa in the media room with his unopened bottle of beer he thought about Cas.  Beautiful, selfless Cas, always putting him and Sam first, even with his last dying breath doing what he could to protect those he loved.  A tear escaped, sliding down his cheek, landing with a plop on the leg of his jeans.  After a trip to the emergency room to make sure his ribs were the only thing that were broken they had made their way back here to the bunker with Cas’ body.  The door to the bunker opened and Sam came in.  He looked at Dean for a moment, noticing the unopened bottle of beer in his hand.  Dean didn’t bother looking up at him.  He was busy staring straight ahead at nothing but Sam could see the misery etched on his face.  “Hey.”  Sam said softly.  Dean did not respond.  “I got the funeral pyre ready.”  He added.  Still no response.  “We’ll get this done and then I’ll join you for a beer.”  Finally a reaction from Dean.  He got up, climbed the steps and handed his brother his bottle.  “I’m done drinking.  It’s gotten me nowhere.”  He brushed past Sam and went outside.  Charlie appeared in the library doorway.  “Is it time?”  She asked softly.  Sam nodded as he set the bottle down on the floor.  They slipped silently outside and found Dean standing next to the pyre, one hand resting on Cas’ shrouded body.  His head was bowed and his eyes were closed.  When Sam stepped up next to him he could hear his brother’s words and it tore at him.  “Please God, if you’re still there, please let him return to Heaven.  Do not let him cease to exist.  If everything I’ve done in your name has ever meant a damn thing, then do this one thing for me.  I know I can’t have him back, but please, let him continue on so that one day I might see him again.  I can’t go on with this life knowing I’ll never get to see him again.  I wish I’d realized it sooner how much I loved him, but please don’t take him away from me forever.”  Sam stood on one side of Dean, putting a hand on his older brother’s shoulder and squeezing gently.  Charlie slid up on his other side and wove her fingers through those of his free hand, squeezing gently.  With a heavy sigh Dean pulled his lighter from his pocket and lit the pyre.  They backed up to the edge of the drive and turned to watch it burn, no one speaking.

          When it was completely burned down Dean insisted on burying Cas’ remains himself and Sam didn’t argue.  He waited inside with the beer Dean had abandoned, nursing it as he let his mind roll over all the memories they’d made with Cas.  Charlie was busy in the kitchen making them something to eat in hopes that they could get something into Dean.  He hadn’t eaten since they’d gotten back to the bunker the day before and she was worried about him too.  It took a bit of the burden off Sam to know that he wasn’t the only one worried.  Dean came in as dusk was falling heading first to the bathroom to wash his hands and then to his room.  Sam found him an hour later sitting up at the edge of the bed, hands folded in his lap as if in prayer.  His head was bowed and his eyes were closed.  Sam knocked on the doorframe as he stepped into the room but Dean did not look up.  “Dean man, Charlie made dinner.  You have to come and eat something.”  He said.  Dean did not respond.  “Cas wouldn’t want you to do this.  He’d want you to keep going on, for him.”  He said softly.  Dean flinched at the sound of Cas’ name but he didn’t open his eyes or look up.  Seeing his brother like this, so defeated, unwilling to fight, it scared Sam.  He moved over to the bed and sat down next to Dean, not saying anything.  He folded his hands in his lap and bowed his head, offering up a prayer to the God he hoped still existed, one of hope for his brother. 

          It was a long while before Dean finally lifted his head and when he opened his eyes Sam could see they were still red rimmed from crying.  Even in prayer he’d been unable to stop the tears from flowing.  He looked worn out, exhausted, both physically and mentally, but as Sam looked at his brother he realized that Dean was also exhausted spiritually as well.  He looked up at his brother wanting to say something, anything, but not able to find the words.  “I know man, I know how much you loved him, and I know how much he loved you.”  He hugged his brother, letting Dean cling to him and cry, knowing his brother needed that anchor right then, something to tether him to this world.  When the tears finally subsided Dean sat back and wiped at his eyes.  “I’m going to lay down.”  He said and stood up.  He went around to the side of the bed.  “Don’t you want something to eat?”  Sam asked as he got up.  “Not hungry.”  Dean grunted as he kicked off his boots and slid under the covers.  He turned on his side putting his back to Sam.  Sam left him, closing the door quietly behind him and leaving Dean alone as he wanted.  Charlie met him in the hall, the worry on his face reflecting in hers.  “He’s not ok, you know that, right?”  She asked.  “Dean always makes it through.  He’ll get through this.”  Even as the words left his mouth he knew they were a lie and he felt shame for having uttered them at all.  “Not from this he won’t.”  She said.  “Dean’s lost other people before, people we both loved.  He has to make it through this too.”  Sam spoke the words more to himself than to Charlie, trying to convince himself that his brother would be ok.  “There’s a difference Sam.  Dean has a good heart.  When he loves someone, he loves them completely, but aside from you, there’s no one that has loved him back with that same passion.  Dean has lost the other half of his soul.”  She explained, and Sam knew she was right.  A sliver of fear shot through him at the thought of losing his brother yet again, only this time forever.  “I don’t know what to do.”  He admitted.  “I can’t fix this.”  Charlie reached out, squeezing his hand.  “What he needs right now is for you to not give up on him.”  She left him standing there in the hallway, unsure what to do next.