Cranberry Vodka (Billie Eilish)

-5-

I didn't say anything and just kept gasping for air.

"Okay, don't worry. I'm here for you and you are gonna get past this, I promise." Her voice was so calm and collected compared to earlier.

"But I- I can't breathe" I stammered.

"I think you're having a panic attack. I promise, you're not gonna die okay? You can still talk, which means you can breathe as well. We're gonna do a breathing exercise to stable your breath okay?"

I slowly nodded. Something about the way she talked made me actually believe her. "Can you put your hand on your belly?" She asked, but I shook my head. I was not able to move. "Can I touch your hand?" She asked carefully and I nodded. She gently put my hand on my belly and held it there for support.

"Okay now what I want you to do is to try breathing slowly through your stomach with me, can you do that?"

"Yes," I stammered. Taking aback about how nice and caring she suddenly was. Maybe she wasn't the worst person after all.

She slowly breathed in with her nose and out with her mouth again, while giving me clear instructions on what to do. Whereas I did my best to imitate her.

"Good, very good, can you feel your breath in your stomach?"

I nodded.

"Okay, good. let's try this a few more times" she said, as we slowly breathed in and exhaled out again a couple more times. I felt my hand moving up and down on my stomach, which made me aware of my breathing again,  and I was able to calm down a little bit.

"Okay. We're gonna try something else now to distract you alright? Can you do the wall sit on the wall behind you? It's gonna be another exercise." I didn't understand what she wanted to do but I just did what she said since it seemed to work.

"Good, hold that. Now look around in the room and tell me about 5 things you can see" I obeyed and found 5 things in the environment. Next, I had to tell her about 4 things I heart, 3 things I felt, 2 things I smelled, and finally about one thing I could taste.

By the end of this exercise my legs were burning from the wall sit and felt like jelly. Luckily, she finally allowed me to relax my muscles again. I immediately slide down the wall and sat on the ground. "Do you feel better? Or do you want to do another exercise?" She asked with a genuine voice.

"No, it's fine, I think. Can you-" I paused "-can you just sit with me for a few more seconds?" I asked carefully, not wanting to ask for too much.

My concern seemed unreasonable because she immediately sat down beside me and took me in her arms. "Is this, okay?" She asked and I nodded. leaning my head on her chest. I felt safe again.

We sat there in silence for a couple more minutes which I later found out was about half an hour. "I'm sorry" I whispered.

"Sorry for what?" She asked confused.

"That was so embarrassing. I literally thought I was about to die. I must have sounded so ridiculous" I confessed.

Suddenly she straightened up and looked me into the eyes. "Hey listen. What you were feeling is valid. It's normal to feel like this during a panic attack, especially when you don't know you're having one. And your mental health is never embarrassing, okay? Never! You need to understand this." She underlined and I nodded.

"Do you experience them often?" She asked after a while.

"Just once before, but I never categorized it as a panic attack. Therefore, I never knew how to handle it." I replied genuinely.

"Did you ever see a therapist about it?" She asked carefully.

"No, I mean I never considered it until now"

"Okay. I can't tell you what to do, but just know, that seeking help is never wrong or embarrassing. It's actually really brave and can help you a lot"

I didn't reply, but I took her words by heart.

"Until then I can give you a few tips and tricks for panic attacks that can help you to get through it easier if you want, but it's probably a good idea to talk with your doctor about this as well" She offered.

"Thank you. And I will get it checked out".

For the next 20 minutes, Billie explained to me a lot about panic attacks and gave me useful tips on how to overcome them easier that have helped her and her friends. I listened carefully. Our fight seemed already forgotten. I wondered how her attitude changed so quickly.  2 hours ago she threatened me with a knife, and I was scared as hell of her, and the next thing I know she takes care of me and supports me through a panic attack like no one has before. What was so important about that night, that would make her go crazy like that ?