Bird of a Nest (bow 3)

Chapter 33

"You didn't love him."

"Nel'os did. Dyn'ad did. I was happy to see if something could happen, but I was too concerned with," Ryraso trailed off. His sons had concerned him too much to worry about Nel'os' pretty little plaything. Tai'ray exiling Cai'ress had been easy to accept and move on. He had no stakes other than not having to learn to love someone new who the Royals desired. It had just been simpler to accept and hope Nel'os' moping wouldn't last too long. It was over now. "I was too lost in my own world," he breathed, pausing as pain in his abdomen became too much to ignore.

"That's not your fault," Pol'ar pushed him to sit down on a ledge and rubbed his back. "I've already told you this once; you can't protect everyone."

"They sold his body to fuck so people could enjoy using the man who slept with the Royals," Ryraso spat to the side. Curling his fingers in the hair of the back of his neck, Ryraso closed his eyes and trembled. "I had another dream," he whispered. "I should have asked the moment I woke up. It didn't even occur to me that they wouldn't have grabbed him too. I was hoping the dreams weren't true."

Pol'ar exhaled. "Cai'ress has not lost his wings yet,"

"We don't know that," Ryraso hissed, standing up again, gripping his stomach as it protested the action. Pol'ar's hands supported him again, the older man smelling of one particular healing herb in particular. Ryraso leant on his shoulder. "We have to find him," he repeated.

"Ryraso!" a voice called. Zaro appeared, his feet skidding to a stop in front of them, looking at Pol'ar suspicious. "Shouldn't you be resting?" he frowned, hooking an arm around him too. "Captain Par'nast is going to meet you as soon as possible. He has people scoping around the red light district now. Already had after Nel'os came back without who attacked you. Herymi and Fetmar went with him," he noted, turning them back to where the consort rooms were.

"Royal Bonded Nel'os," Pol'ar coughed.

"I..." Ryraso paused and slumped. "I was heading to him but if he's coming here..." he drifted off. He didn't want to go back to those rooms. It felt wrong. A seed of doubt had been planted in his mind now. "Fetmar went with them?" Surprise hit him. He knew the Captain had been taking advantage of Herymi's abilities but when had Fetmar been yanked into the mix? Then again, it probably wasn't that surprising with Fetmar helping to teach the younglings. Fetmar and Herymi were spending a lot of time together with Zaro; it stood to reason that Par'nast was starting to hook them into his circle too.

"Yeah," Zaro looked distinctly annoyed by that. "He's a former commander after all. I'm just a grunt. Not to mention..." he trailed off, his body language shifting to more nervous. "Well, I'm not branded yet. I'm not supposed to leave the palace until I am."

"A fair reason," Pol'ar nodded, his human flawless. "Ryraso, if you don't want to return to the consort rooms, we could go to my office?" he offered.

"That would be preferable," Ryraso closed his eyes, tiredness pulling at him again. The idea of being in those rooms after what they had done. What they had all done, himself included.

"And I have you," Gar'kin commented, strong hands sweeping him up out of the hands of his mentor and friend. "You shouldn't be standing after an injury like that. Didn't your healer tell you?" he teased, as he carried Ryraso bridal style down the corridor. Zaro and Pol'ar following behind, Pol'ar snorting.

"Never try to get a fellow healer to obey orders. Its a nightmare," Pol'ar snorted before making polite talk with Zaro.

Ryraso leaned his head against Gar'kin's shoulder. Gar'kin was safe to be like this with. His arm ached a moment. It was not a message from the Goddess but certainly a mental reminder. Even if Cai'ress was dead, even if Nel'os abandoning someone he claimed to love brought about the death of that person, he was bound to them now. Not by the bond yet, and perhaps he would be able to avoid the thing for some time, but the Goddess had marked him. It was either be theirs or join the priesthood.

That seed of doubt grew more in his chest. He had felt Nel'os' love for Cai'ress. He had felt it in the man's mourning for the loss of his lover and his want for him to return. He had felt Nel'os' love for him, for Dyn'ad and for Tai'ray. It had been the same.

If Nel'os could love someone that much and feel nothing for them at the drop of a pin, did he truly love any of them?

Did any of the royals genuinely love him? He knew they loved him but now... If something happened that framed him, would they abandon him as fast as they had Cai'ress? Without thought, care or even consideration? The questions swam in his mind. Doubts about his relationship with him mixed with his guilt and shame about failing to help Cai'ress and possibly causing his death. Or worse. 

"Ry," Zaro called, sounding worried.

Ryraso looked around, finding himself lying on the sofa in Pol'ar room. The three men looking at him concerned. It couldn't have been that long but the strange sensation of losing time filled him. He reached out and caught Zaro's hand and squeezed with a weak smile. Zaro sat on the sofa next to him and squeezed back.  His eyes found Gar'kin's. "If Cai'ress is dead..."

"He won't be," Gar'kin said firmly, his human a little more stilted and unpracticed.

"If Cai'ress is dead, I want to move out of the consort rooms,"