I'm Glad He Did

Part Three

A few days had passed by, but nothing got easier. People had always told me that everything healed with time.

They lied.

The house felt empty and all my parents did was cry. When James killed himself, he killed the whole house too.

I had made it a daily ritual to come and stand by his door and speak to him, but I would never enter the room. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t do it.

‘James, you’re just a selfish prat,’ I found myself saying one day staring into the emptiness that was his room.

Fuck you James, fuck you.

When he took his life he didn’t think about anyone else but himself. He was coward, a selfish bitch. I hated him.

But I missed him.

I loved him.

Why did you kill yourself? Why didn’t you speak out? Why? Why? Why?

You didn’t think of anyone else. Just yourself. Do you even understand what you did? Do you? How much pain you caused? How much harm? I will never forgive you. Ever. I just want my happy loving older brother back, but thanks to you that will never ever happen. Forget about me, do you know how much damage you caused mum and dad? Huh? You destroyed them, I hope you’re happy now. They think it’s their fault. That it’s their fault you died. They spend all of their time crying, sobbing, weeping. Thanks to you mum wants to die, dad wants to die, I want to die. I hope you are satisfied.

I hate you.

I hate you James Simmons.

Please come back. Mum misses you, dad misses you, I miss you. I promise I’ll be a better sister.

I felt suffocated in the house, I need to get out, away from James, away from everything. Maybe James’ friends could give me the closure I so desperately needed. I found them on Facebook and asked them to meet me in the coffee shop.

Sure my brother was popular amongst his peers, but he only had a few special friends; Eli Jones, Ricky Felton, Jason Carter and Adam Kahn.

Due to the traffic, I was the last to arrive, and upon entering the small shop that I had so many fond memories of with my brother, I found them all perched around a table for five.

My brother and I first stumbled across this shop five years ago. It was the first day of secondary school for me, and I was completely overwhelmed how different it was. James, being the awesome brother he was, agreed to take me out for lunch to a ‘special’ restaurant but obviously we got the wrong bus and ended up somewhere completely random. We were both starving and the closest place to eat was here, and so began out adventures to the little coffee shop. Most of the employees knew us, and we were even on a first name basis with the manager, Kevin.  

James’ suicide had been on the front page on the local newspaper and so I was pretty sure they all knew about the tragic incident. I took that moment to ponder as to why I chose this place, maybe I should’ve chosen a place where no one knew me, us, my brother. I guess this is what came naturally to me.

As soon as I entered, Jason got up and brought me into a warm hug. I melted into his chest and let him overwhelm me. For once, since that disgusting day, I felt comfort, even if it was just only for a moment, I cherished it dearly.

The hug soon ended, and Jason led me over to the group of guys and I took the empty seat in-between Jason and Eli.

Jason held onto my hand for the duration of time, and actually I was quite grateful for that. It made me feel comfortable.