You and me. Everything and nothing

Part 1

I used to think about all the things I would say to him if I would ever see him again. Would I hug him because I miss him or slap him because I still hate him? Now don't forget there is a fine line between love and hate. All the jokes and memories and things that remind me of him, everything seems to remind me of him. A fucking bag of chips from the time he read me this hilarious advertisement on the back of the bag. I laughed so hard I actually rolled around on the kitchen floor. Sometimes I don't even think he was really that funny, it was just funny to me because of the way I felt about him. He was all that and a bag of chips, no pun intended. I know that may seem stupid and insignificant to you but not to me. I remember all the simple things that meant so much to me. The random things that would come out of his mouth, i swear sometimes I don't know how he even came up with them. He loved my reactions to anything crazy or funny he used to tell me, that's probably why he did it. You know the feeling when you finally take your hair down after it's been confined to a tight pony tail all day, a nice summer breeze on your face after a long winter or jumping on your bed as a kid. That's how he used to make me feel, young and free, I guess that's what love feels like. I know you're thinking "he who? I'll get to it, patience grasshopper.

We used to play out these scenes where we would be in public places and we would pretend we didn't know each other and we were meeting for the first time. He would approach me or vice versa and strike up a conversation and we would end up at my place or his and you know what came next. That's one of the ways we kept things fresh. It may sound strange or unconventional but it was different with him and it always felt like the right kind of wrong. I thought it would never get old. I thought everything would stay the same and I would never have to express myself and our relationship would remain preserved and beautiful forever. When you're in a state like that you almost feel untouchable, like everything is the best it will ever be, and you just want to soak it all up. We soaked it all up alright.

He was probably the most amazing and intriguing person I had ever met. I'm in personal relations so for me meeting new people comes with the territory. I've seen it all the good, the bad and the fucked up but there was something different about him. People say that all the time, "Oh he was so different," maybe I was blind but it still doesn't seem that way. He had this incredible way of looking at the world and it just made you see things differently. It was comparable to a high but a natural high. His smile has been ingrained in my mind ever since. That look he gave me, I can't forget, the last time I saw him. I whispered the three words I could never say, I'll never know if he heard me or not, maybe he did but it was too late at that point. Those unsaid words are the ones that really haunt you and eat away at your soul.

Let me start from the beginning. I'm 27 years old. I'm in personal relations like I said but I originally took social work, it didn't work out but i hope to revisit that sometime in the future. I met the love of my life 7 years, I was 20. I was that girl who was never up for any bullshit. Guys came and went and I never took anything seriously. You know the Penny lane type, don't tell me you've never seen the movie Almost famous, well she says this line "I always tell the girls never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously you never get hurt and if you never get hurt you always have fun", that was my attitude. I don't have daddy issues or any really bad relationship history like your typical prototype for a girl with "trust issues". I just had way too much pride for my own good and a no bullshit policy that I was never willing to break.

My parents had a good relationship throughout my childhood, at least from what I remember but children are naive. I miss being that way, being oblivious what is really going on. I realized as I got older that my dad had so much to deal with. My grandmother (moms mom) passed away when I was 10. Although she was never truly alive, She suffered from severe depression her whole life. I remember one incident where we got a call from my uncle, she had taken a bunch of pills and it was a close call but they managed to save her life. She was in a hospital for a while after that and I remember visiting her. I was too young to really understand the severity but I knew something wasn't right. She passed at the age of 89. Cancer, figures. She had ovarian cancer, was diagnosed, in remission for 2 years until it came back and spread. I was still too young to actually take in what was happening and I've always been weird about death. We were quite close and she put on a real show for me. I never really saw the sadness in her eyes but when I think back it was always there. I just knew she was there one day and gone the next. I pretty much repressed all the memories until I felt nothing. I tend to bottle everything up and my emotions come out in other ways. Have you ever lost anyone close to you? Well you're lucky. It's a weird empty feeling that you just can't escape but you adjust. I never quite understood the concept of a funeral. I always said I would rather be cremated. The funeral was so strange for me, it was the first time I had seen a deceased body.

My mom was never the same after that and she developed a severe depression. I only realized as I got older that it was always there but increasingly worse after my grandmother's death. I knew she was devastated about my grandmother so I figured it was normal, until it stuck. She loved her mother but they never really got along. She would pry and pry until my mother was fed up. I guess most grandmother's are like that. I remember hearing my mother tell my aunt about the side effects of her meds, that's when I knew for sure. I always knew there was something off but I never knew she was actually diagnosed and there was medication involved. So my mother suffered from it and my grandmother had suffered from it and I always felt I was bound to be depressed. Fucking genetics. I was terrified of becoming just like that. I was scared I wouldn't meet a guy like my dad who could handle it.

I remember watching this movie where this couple filed for divorce after the loss of their child; the wife was never the same and suffered from chronic depression. After some time her husband eventually gave up on her but her son refused to. The father told him, "There is nothing you can do son, don't let her drag you down". Luckily the son refused to give up on his mother. I remember thinking how many times my dad could have given up but didn't. It was a very sad moment for me but it provided me with such clarity. I actually never considered how easy it would be for him to leave, I just assumed it was expected and it's not. I have to say depression is one of the most selfish illnesses. It takes the life out of you and its hard to see the hurt it causes the ones around you. It was as if someone had just died, or better yet something had died inside of her. In this day and age nothing is set in stone especially marriage. Now I think about it all the time. Lord my dad's a saint and I love him for it but I don't know if I could do it if I was in his position. Sounds horrible but I don't know, think about it, you get married thinking you truly know the person you're starting a life with, and then out of nowhere they become someone else, a shell of a person, at least that's how I saw her. Don't get me wrong I love my mother but it was like watching her drown and not being able to save her. Eventually it gets hard to watch and you can't bear it any longer. And through it all, my father never gave up, even for a second, he smiled through it all. He always taught me that laughter is the best medicine. Good advice but I may overdo it sometimes as a defence mechanism, so I've been told.

Despite being very different from my mother, anytime I saw any similarities in myself I freaked. I have always been an over thinker and even the people closest to me don't know how bad it can get. My mind is constantly running and analyzing my every word and action, as well as everyone else's. Now don't feel like I'm judging you, I'm critical of myself not so much of others. I guess that's partly why I was hesitant to ever get too close to anyone, that is until i met him.

Hey guys, what do you think so far? I hope you're intrigued. i would love to hear your thoughts and don't be afraid to throw out some constructive criticism. If your wondering who it is the narrator is speaking to or what ever happened to this long lost love of hers? Please be patient, I am working on it. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.Hope your enjoying it, more coming soon :)