Letters to L

First Letter

I want to thank you for the life I had, for preaching your false confidence that gave me a true sense of center for the steps I've now taken to the people I've met. Without ever having come to you I wouldn't have a single one of them on my side, a family I never have to think will leave me alone in the streets simply because. There's simply not enough to be said to sate the pain in my soul or sooth the damage you've done. Though it's not something to stop me, nor the people I've gained through dealing with you. These are my last thoughts, last words to you that won't be expressed again, ever. You're being left behind L, because this is your consequence.

You're within the faded patches of my childhood. Between the black of repression and gaps of growth, I see you everywhere. Like a snakes figure that once seemed as safe as a shallow river. I wonder now how you missed everything you did. What I recall all seems so obvious so forgive me if you remember it differently than me. My silence seemed as obvious as the gaps in my teeth. I recall trying to explain how scared I was of him and yet, why was I scolded? How is it my fault I took so long to tell you a damn thing when every time I tried you simply brushed my words off?

I still can't lie and look you in the face, though I haven't seen you in ages I still get goosebumps just knowing you might be near. I never noticed the power I handed to you till you wielded it like a rope, did you truly believe you could keep me at your side?

I remember now how unfeeling you were towards me, how many things you said to me never really make it to my memories. I wonder when you'd really began to lie, how something so obvious got missed.

L do you expect me to forgive you? Do you expect me to tell you that I hate you, wish to see you burn and hurt and ask to be forgiven like a sinner before their God? You've always been rather spot on or maybe I'm just that easy to read. You don't have my forgiveness. Your acts have no excuse and yet I don't hate you.

I've always wondered why I'm told I should leave the room for you to enter my center stage. I've written you into a minor part and yet you're still grasping for the lead. I don't want you around me anymore. I can't count on both hands the number of chances you had, the auditions for the role of a parent, caretaker, guardian, friend, acquaintance, named number. Half a dozen places to fit and you still decided that you didn't wanna fit unless you could take it as you came, Toxic.

I don't hate you, but I don't forgive you either. I couldn't care less about what happens to you, but I do wish I could see you hurting. Maybe I'm bitter or rather I certainly am, but when it comes to credentials, I've earned my right so just why are you so damn salty?

You won't see me, hear from me anymore in a few months. You'll be left in the dust I don't touch like the past should be. You've tried your best though right? The stones you've thrown after I left, the things you say behind my back, the family you've stolen from me. I've lost so many things because I shed you like a skin but you still blame me for doing so.

I wish I could look you in the eyes to tell you my thoughts but I'm scared. Scared of looking into eyes so numb, cold and thoughtless that I'd forget any good has come from the mess you made. You've thrown so many tantrums of being alone that you've ended up right where you didn't wanna be. Would you have rather been alone holding the threads of puppets? I wish I didn't think you'd say yes.

I should finish this. I've plenty of time and more to say so I'm sure you'll hear from me again but I have plenty of things to do. Like plan for the future, I'm having without you or your help. Like making dinner, taking a shower, getting better and growing up without your help. Goodnight, goodbye for now.

For a hopeful future without you,

With bitterness.

--O SG. Eden