sometimes this said 'you' referring to anthony idek it's too early to be having a mental breakdown my writing is a mess
Well I figured something out
First of all I'd never date Anthony
Second of all there's no one I would date
Because nobody actually fucking loves each other
Anthony said all this shit about middle school relationships never lasting, so why does he want one? To pass the time. To fill a void. To pretend he's not a child for a bit. But I don't want that bullshit and I don't want to end up heartbroken over something that was never really love anyway. And the truth is, he doesn't love me, and he never loved me, whether he said and thought that he did or not. Same with Chase. Because love isn't a feeling. It's a deliberate choice, but no one seems to get that. Because it's going to fade no matter what, and that little spark of newness and excitement will be gone. And love is when you stick around despite that. It's when you don't just fucking give up the second things get hard. Because eventually, after a while, you'll realize that there will never be someone that is so perfect for you that your relationship doesn't have obstacles and bad arguments and hurt. That's half of love, giving the power to break you to someone out of trust that they won't. But we all know they probably will, right? Because nobody fucking understands. You don't jump into a relationship if you can't imagine yourself spending your life with that person. You don't start dating someone you hardly know, and you don't start dating someone unless you genuinely think you might work out. And yes, sometimes people change. Sometimes people grow apart and a pair that was once perfect for each other ends up...not. That's not preventable, but it's so much less likely if you're just willing to try, actually put some effort into it because you want and need it. Because you want your partner to be happy and you want to be the one to make them that way. Because you want to show them that life can be beautiful and be their best friend before you're their lover.
Like I said, I love too deeply and my dumb ass keeps thinking that someone will be different this time and love me back the same way, but nope.
Nooooope. See, everyone thinks they're mature, everyone says "Yeah! I feel the same way!" BUT THEN THEY ACT LIKE FUCKING IDIOTS. Here's a shocker for you: you're a child and your brain is a child and you love like a child because you're a child. You know? Yep I'm losing it
But :) that's :) okay :)
How long do I have to wait for people to realize that they're immature and there's really no being grown up for your age? Trust me, I know. Hell, maybe this whole rant here is childish because what kind of a grown up would actually believe that love could be like that? I don't think it's wrong, I just don't think it's possible. It's time to read another book and cry and wish life was different.
Yay, another day in paradise.
If love is this half-baked bullshit to pass time now then I don't fucking want it. Find someone else that wants the same thing as you—some flimsy 1 month relationship with no intention of actual commitment. Yeah, get pissed at me for saying this shit, whatever. I'm so sorry I don't love like everyone else I've met. I think life would be a whole lot easier if I did, because not caring at all would really make letting go so much simpler. I could move on and have another relationship and boom, fake happiness—because fake happiness is better than no happiness, right?
But I'm just going to sit here, lonely, and wait for real happiness because that's all that can really fill my void. I don't even know if it's coming. Maybe I'll be sad forever, maybe I'll never find someone, maybe Bitlife's prediction in which I become a prostitute and a porn actor, go to jail 4 times, get disowned by all my friends, and get struck by lightning will come true. I just hope that lightning comes soon 💀 anyway I'm getting off track. Don't pretend to love me. I'm sure you can tell yourself that whatever you're feeling is love, but it isn't, because if it was you wouldn't "stop caring" 2 days into a depressive episode bc I'm "ghosting", right? You wouldn't have said those horrible things to me, invalidated my sadness, been a total asshole. You definitely wouldn't have asked me out fully aware that I was nowhere near over Chase and emotionally fucked and not in a great mindset to make decisions. Look, I get it. People make mistakes. I'm just looking at the fact that you lost feelings in a matter of what, 24 hours? And I've been trying to do that for a month. Wish I could flip that switch, but unfortunately I let myself get actually attached and my heart still hasn't come back. Yeah, it's there watching him replace me and be happier and love another girl bc there was something wrong with me, whatever it is. Because loving him so intensely just wasn't enough for him. That's fine I guess. I did my best, and maybe that's what hurts most—there's nothing I could've done to stop him from losing feelings and realizing that he'd always loved her. I was just a fill-in. All he wanted was to fill his void, but he didn't realize that fake love wasn't going to do it. So we wanted different things, I guess, and what he wanted most was her. Maybe he's giving her real love, like he didn't with me. But I highly doubt she loves him as much as I do, because I think about him every single day and living without him is breaking me in half but I'm still doing it. Why am I still doing it, living? Him. Yeah, it's still him. I want to feel that again. I know he said he loved me when he didn't, but I believed every word and it made me feel like I wasn't just a background character in my own story. Like I mattered, like I wasn't fucking nothing. I love him. I loved him, I love him, I don't even fucking know. Loving him fully filled my void even if it was just for a bit. Now that there's that empty space again, I feel so lost and hollow but I guess that's okay. Maybe it'll be filled again one day.
Also you wattpad people are exempt from this. Idek what it is but you're a rare species of children that doesn't act like buffoons.
Probably bc you read books let's be honest here
