Dark Times

i dont know

1/31/20 - i don't know
of course
of course this would happen to me

and to you
only to you

and me

i like her
so so much

and she...

...well...

she likes you

her arm around your shoulders
the flirting
the way she looks at you

and, god, it hurts
it hurts so so much

i mean
it doesn't hurt my heart
it hurts my head

it makes me feel confused
sad
upset
betrayed

i know you can't help it
you call yourself ugly
and fat
and a whore

you're not
not at all

you're likable
lovable
fuck, just so nice

and of course she's fall for you
you've had so much experience with it all

you've been in two serious relationships
two of them
and you're younger than me

me?
no one's ever liked me
no one who's liked me for me

only for my body
only because we met online

and i was so hopeful
so so hopeful
that she'd like me

but no
why would she?
she's smart
and nice
and witty
and so fucking beautiful

and you're smart
and nice
and witty
and so fucking beautiful

i'm not any of those things
just a depressed
anxious
piece of trash human
who can't even get a girlfriend

and you did this
you really did

you asked for her insta
you asked her for your number
you asked her to the movie

you facetimed her
i sent her streaks

she put her arm around you
i didn't even get a hug

it's hard, you know
being the ugly one in the friend group

not pretty enough
skinny enough
outgoing enough

i don't know
i don't understand
i don't like this

I want to know
why I can't have anything

I want to understand
how you get your way

I want to like
who I am and a person

I support you and her
i really do

but it does hurt
and I don't know why