"Calling the attention of passengers for flight XZ 8112 travelling to Busuanga, please proceed to boarding gate 7. Again, the passengers of flight XZ 8112 to Busuanga, please proceed to gate 7 now. Thank you!"
I already lost count as to how many times that flight is called. Wala na ang linyang kani-kanila lang ay pinag-aagawan ng mga pasaherong excited sa flight na iyon. Gaano na ba ako katagal nakatulala habang wala pa ring humpay ang pagbuhos ng mga luha sa aking mga mata? Isang oras? Dalawa? Hindi ko alam.
"Last call for passengers going to Busuanga, please proceed to gate 7 now." Nilingon ko ang babaeng kanina pa nag-aanounce ng flight na iyon kahit walang nakikinig sa kanya.
Months ago, hindi ito ang tagpo na naglalaro sa aking isipan. Hindi isang luhaang babae na hindi alam saan patungo ang nandito. Hindi siya naghihintay ng milagro na darating ang taong wala ng pag-asang dumating.
Hours earlier...
Sa labas ng simbahan, payapa ko lamang tinatanaw ang dekorasyong ilang buwan ding pinagplanuhan. Maganda. If the outside is this pretty, I can only imagine what's inside.
Tahimik sa labas. Walang tao dahil lahat ay nasa loob. Well, except for the maid of honor at wedding coordinator na hindi malaman anong uunahin - ang cellphone ba o ang paglakad nang pabalik-balik.
Nilingon ko ang driver na nasa unahan at binigyan niya ako ng isang mabait na ngiti. Ngunit kita ko sa kanyang mga mata ang pagdadalawang isip kung tama ba ang ginawa. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa takot na mabasa niya ang nasa isip.
Sa araw na ito, dapat ako ang pinakamasaya sa lahat. Ang minsang pinangarap lang nang aking musmos na puso ay maisasakatuparan na.
Ikakasal na ako sa taong minahal ko na mula noon pa!
Growing up I knew I would marry him eventually. We weren't a pragmatic marriage. I practically grew up with him. And as a little girl I look up to him the way I look up to my parents. He's my Hercules. My knight in pegasus.
People would tell us how perfect we were. Him loving me, and me to him. Everyone witnessed how my eyes twinkle at the sight of him. At alam ng bata kong puso, na siya na talaga.
Hawak ng mahigpit ang pumpong ng mga puting rosas, ibinalik ko ang aking tingin sa pinto ng simbahan. Nagbukas ito at lumabas ang aking luhaang ina at tila galit na ama. Lalo lamang nagkandarapa ang wedding coordinator habang tinatanaw lamang ako ng aking maid of honor gamit ang isang masakit na tingin.
"M-ma..." my voice shook but i need to stay firm.
My mom hurriedly went to me. I slid down the car window so I can hold the hand of the person I know won't make break me the way I am breaking now. Mapait ko siyang nginitian.
"B-baka po naiinip na si F-father. Mukhang di na po darating si James e". Instead of uttering a reply, she kissed the back of my hand and murmured what I can decipher as "Sorry, a-anak" while crying.
The anger that my dad felt is now evident on his face. And looking at these two people who never fail to love and protect me, I know that letting them see me hurting is their death. Hindi ko kayang makita silang mas nasasaktan dahil lang nasasaktan ako ngayon.
I smiled again bitterly.
"Avon mapapatay ko yung hayop na yun!" The veins on his forehead is showing up and his eyes are bloodshot. He's mad. Really mad.
"Dad, please deal with the visitors. Mauna na po akong umalis." Nakayuko kong sabi dahil ayoko makita nila ang sakit sa aking mga mata.
Mom nodded understandingly while dad's fist remains balled. Hanggang sa tumakbo paalis ang sasakyan at lumiko sa kanto pauwi sa hotel kung saan kami nanggaling, hindi ako nilubayan ng tingin nilang dalawa.
How I managed not to cry is beyond me. But as soon as my parents are out of sight, daig pa ng binuksang dam ang mga luha kong nag-uunahan sa pagpatak.
Saan ba ako nagkamali? Saan ba ako nagkulang? Saan ba ako sumobra?
With trembling hands, I put the bouquet beside me and started removing my veil. Inabutan ako ni manong ng bimpo to stop the tears from flowing pero parang isang ilog itong hindi humuhupa. Patuloy ang pag-iyak ko habang mapait na binabaybay ang daan palayo sa simbahang minsan kong hinilingan ng habangbuhay kasama siya.
Dumiretso kami sa basement kung saan naghihintay ang personal assistant ko with her stoic face but eyes laced with concern. Diretso lang ang tingin ko habang paakyat sa hotel room namin. I don't intend to let them see how painful it is to see yourself not walking down the aisle but rather pauwi sa hotel dahil hindi sinipot.
Dali-dali akong nagbihis. Hindi ko na inabala ang sarili kong tingnan sa salamin. My make up's water proof anyway. But this isn't the tears I dreamt of crying. Heck! I'd give the world for that.
Grabbing my ready suitcase, and my PA following me, I head off again towards the basement and went immediately to my car.
My heart hurts every second while my grip tightens around the steering wheel. I pressed the pedal and raced my way through red lights with everything becoming blurry as fresh set of tears made their way out of my eyes.
He made me whole my entire life that maybe I didn't notice he is short of pieces already. He made me happy and everyone happy but perhaps he isn't happy himself. He showered me love that maybe he didn't get as much in return. He didn't fail me, and everyone, until now. Ngunit kailan ba naging failure ang pagpili sa kaligayahan? Masokista Av! You still see the best of him despite all of these!
He was everything I wished stars by stars, birthday by birthday that perhaps I've used up all my wishes without me knowing. At ngayon wala ng natira pa to shoo this pain away.
Siguro she completes him the way I couldn't. She showered him love that he is willing to get soaked with. She made him happy the way nobody ever did. She is for him life, while there's me struggling to be that life he should be hanging on. There's me trying to fill in his puzzles kahit simula pa lang alam ko nh hindi ako ang piece na dapat doon.
Why so stupid for not noticing Av! He was never happy with you the way you are with him. Perhaps young love makes you blind. And if it really does, I'm still willing to fall in love with him the way I did and still do. Ugh, tanga!
Tomorrow we'll make headlines. I couldn't care less though. They may call me a jilted bride, tanga and all. That's the least of my concerns.
Siguro kung 'di ko siya pinilit, I would never have to feel this pain. But what can I do? I was young, dumb and in love. Still am now.
May natitira pa pala akong lucky charm. I reached the airport unscathed. Lucky or cursed? I smirked.
With my suitcase in tow, and passport in hand, I turned my back from the gate leading me to Busuanga. Our supposed to be honeymoon will never happen. Ugh, even hearing the place's name breaks me. Pathetic.
I tore my ticket and proceeded to the airport's ticket booth. I scanned the screen through blurry eyes when it landed in a place I never heard of before. Booked it and proceeded without looking back.
Every step I take slice my heart into even smaller pieces. Now I fully understood why airports are always bittersweet. Sweet for those with long awaited arrival and vacations but always bitter for those who are leaving, most especially those who aren't planning to come back.
Perhaps a new environment will provide me new perspective. Maybe it will answer all the questions. Maybe it will give me the reasons I need to hear and realize. New place, new life huh? It's not always the case though.
For now, I have to mend not just my broken heart but my life as a whole too. No more fairy tales for me. No more believing in prince charming. The little princess in me died today but she'll get by eventually.
To anywhere my feet will bring me, I wish my heart to be less broken.
