Intimacy; Defined

intimacy; an endless thought

Days meld into weeks and they blur into months and I am nowhere closer to understanding, or better yet, accepting who I am. I've read so many articles about asexuality that I've lost count. Night after night, I sneak away, banish myself to a night on the couch as I go through articles. My lunch break is no longer filled with eating and carefree laughter with my coworkers. No, now it's endless time spent at the library reading books. Trying to understand me. Trying to understand intimacy.

Intimacy.

My concept has changed. My definition of it rattled around in my mind. Is it valid? Does it make sense? I know there are multiple ways to be intimate, but how will she feel? Does Braxton know? Will she understand?

Anxieties flood my mind daily. It's hard to sleep around her. It's hard to breathe sometimes. I wonder if she'll leave me. I wonder if she'll love me. It's getting hard to lie to her day after day. I've never been good at it, but she can read me better than anyone. It's amazing that after all this time she hasn't picked up that I'm numb to the sexual aspects of our relationship but maybe she's too blissed out to ever notice.

I don't understand why this bothers me so much. I never liked sex, never had a particularly specific want for it, but for some reason reading about it, and drilling it into my mind makes it all the more real.

My feelings feel jumbled, like a messy ball of yarn that I can't seem to detangle. A big part of me wants to be wrong. A part of me wants to go back to that day in October and never open google in the first place. A part of me wants to go back to being ignorant, but I know that wouldn't make the situation better.

They say asexual people can be in successful relationships. Doubt fills my mind.

I fear my once loving relationship might be over.

A couple of nights later, Braxton wanders into the living room at around 3 am. I am reading a book called 'Understanding Asexuality'.

The room is dark, save for my tiny book light. The cover is almost pitch black. I'm unbelievably grateful she can't see what I'm reading.

Looking at cute as ever in her pale blue plush robe and her big round glasses perched messily on her face, I can't help but feel overwhelming love for her. I know I don't deserve her by any means, but fuck, I love this woman so much.

"Drew?" The way my name tumbles off her sleepy lips makes me smile. I am so lucky. So extremely, unbelievably lucky. I fold the book up and put it on the coffee table, face down. My arms extend, a silent invitation that she gladly accepts.

She walks over to the couch and I waste no time before wrapping her up in my arms; cherishing, protecting, and loving her. She curls herself into me, laying her sleepy head on my neck. Planting soft kisses that she knows will make me giggle. She's not wrong.

"What are you doing up?" Her voice is soft, delicate, like a flower.

"Couldn't sleep."

There's a pregnant pause and the air around us feels tense. She wants to say something. I hold her tighter and let her take her time, but the words that leave her lips make me freeze.

"It's been like that for a while. Is.." She stops, her words die into hesitation as she thinks of what to say. How to continue. I don't want her to. I'm afraid of what she'll say next. Does she know? If she knows I've been sneaking out of bed, what other stuff does she know?

She pulls back, my arms leave her soft body as she sits up and stares at me. The light from the busy city streets illuminates her face. She slips her hand into mine and I can feel love emitting from her being.

"I love you. I will always love you. And if there's something bothering you, I want you to feel comfortable and safe enough to voice that with me. I see you sometimes," Her voice starts to waiver and my heart cracks. She's going to cry. I keep my head down, I don't dare look. I'll start crying too.

"The way you zone out when we're having sex. But you look so scared all the time now. I-" A choked sob escapes her lips and my head snaps up so fast I'm afraid I'll get whiplash but I don't care.

Nothing in the world should ever hurt her. But isn't that what I've been doing?

I rub circles into her hand with my thumb. 'I'm here' the gesture speaks quietly. I want her to know that I'm sorry. That I love her too, but I can't seem to force any words out of my mouth.

"I don't know what's happening to you. I want to be there and I want to help, but only if you want me to. I love you so fucking much that it hurts, Drew. I want to see you happy, I want to see that beautiful smile."

Her hand reaches up to cup my cheek and she runs her thumb over my lips. The gentle touch sends lightning bolts through my body. I don't focus on that. Tears are free-flowing, and they're fast. Out of her beautiful eyes, down her soft cheeks, falling off her chin and onto the navy blue couch, leaving a dark wet stain there. A reminder of how much she was hurting right now.

Have I really been this wrapped up in myself that I hadn't noticed?

"It's been months since I've seen that beautiful smile." And the pain that tears through that one sentence, pushes away all the strength I thought I had. I can feel the hot stream down my own face as my chest tightens and god, I just can't take it anymore.

I pull her close, hold her tight like at any moment she might fall apart. She already is. I can feel myself unraveling too.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you too, Bax." I pull her impossibly closer. I can feel her tears on my neck. Her heartbeat loudly in my ears. Or is that mine? I don't know anymore.

"I love you too," I whisper. I hope she heard. I hope she knows.

She needs to know. 

Author's Note 🐳

aaaaaaaa! the angst! I love both Drew and Bax so much, I just want my babies to be happy. :') What do you think? Anyone who can relate? P.S. Sorry for taking such a heccin long time to upload this second chapter. From here on, updates will be consistent! Every Thursday!