My ruined life

Hate

Hatred for myself I can't believe I'm saying this but the times I've tried to cover up and sugar coat events in my life. Has caused me to be on the verge of the word I least liked unable. Unable to do anything I try so hard to tell myself I will be something but it seems like a great joke and it doesn't help with family members and peers comparing me to something I can't be and if I could just wouldn't define me as a person, it strongly hurts to know I'm clueless and numb to my future. Not knowing what I want to become and go along with the flow why; why is that the reason because I can't even say I control my life neither can I say I make decisions for myself all I know is if in my fate it is willed that I go to university or pursue a career, it's not because I did and if I did reach that stage I did it because I did it for a reputation, I did it to hold a image and reputation a persona that is far from I feel caged.
I don't want to come across off as a ungrateful being but it is what it is and I just wish I reach a happy place where worries anxiety and negativity doesn't occur a place where I can call home and smile not only from the mouth but from my eyes my body and most importantly my soul, a destination where I am granted with endless merriment. Everyone goes through uneasiness and sorrow but the thing is some of us make it whilst some of us let the best take over. Just today I asked a someone I look up to and adore about my weight and how I want to strengthen my arms and tone it they're response was your lazy and have you seen so and so she naturally is built and look at. My point from this conversation is that instead of expecting a simple answer of encouragement and never in my 18 years have I ever felt so disheartened especially weight as I never physically saw myself someone out of shape just a little thought of wanting to work out on my body parts didn't expect to get such a hurtful reply. The type of hurt that even tears can't form, I know I shouldn't be pressed over weight but gathering a lot of events in my life whether it's bullying which caused my grades to be slipping and leaving holistically to be another a person I wish I didn't become, empty, lost and unknown I wish I could recover from this numbness do u ever feel a emotional tiredness and just a long sigh of breath which consists of why? If I personify it imagine a cloud coming from your mouth with words of life is horrid and it feels like eternity that type of feeling that's if you understand what I'm saying.