Love you like crazy.

38. Blood

E Z R A

My back was pressed against the wall while my head slouched resulting in a crick that would last a couple of days.

This was the first time in months that I felt hopeless. They put me in this room with no bed, no covers, just four walls that seemed to close in on me. I've never been claustrophobic, but being in this place made me feel like I was.

My body was weak from getting beat and force-fed pills that somehow made my body temporarily shut down. I was desperately trying to hold down the vomit inching up my throat. I felt dizzy and weak, barely having the energy to raise a finger. I could still smell the dried blood that was stuck to my face and other parts of my body. 

To make matters worse, Cruise and Mentz keep coming in here to tell me the things they've done to Kaz. They tell me different ways that they hurt him, which I can't bear to repeat.

They also said that Lee and Adrian fled, leaving Kaz all by himself.

A tear slipped out of my eyes as I tried to imagine Kaz's touch. His soothing voice as he spoke and sung to me.

Apart of me feels like I would never be able to hear him again. The other part of me knew that I couldn't give up and so I sung my favorite song, as if I was singing it to Kaz like I promised.

In the midst of my singing, I could feel my eyes begin to shut and unlike so many other times before, I didn't fight to keep them open.

He walked towards me slowly, the man that I had been afraid of for five years, and I let him.

His nose and eyes were still missing and the bullet in his head was still as prominent as ever.

He walked closer to me and stopped when he saw that I wasn't running away.

"You're not afraid of me?" A voice asked.

"Why do I have to be afraid of you, when the scariest thing has already happened to me? I lost Kaz." I said, looking down slightly. I felt a gush of wind come out of nowhere, pushing me towards something. I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes in response.

When I opened them I saw that I was in a living room. Pictures of me as a baby were placed all around it.

Why were my baby pictures here?

"Ezra?" I heard a voice call out. I turned around to see the man standing behind me.

This time he was different. For the first time, I could see the man with his full face and body attached.

For the first time in years, I saw the man that I killed.

"Do you still want to know who I am?" He asked me.

"I already know who you are. You are the man who killed my mother." I said.

He frowned. "Yes, but I'm also your father." He said.

My heart nearly fell out of my chest as his words replayed in my head.

"You're lying, my father died when I was younger. If this is your way of making me feel guilty about killing you, it isn't working." I said.

He shook his head. "Your mother told you that I died because she kicked me out. I was addicted to drugs and she didn't want your childhood filled with memories of that. Around your 16th birthday, I became clean and came back into her life. We would meet each other and although I wanted to meet you, she didn't think that you were ready. I got angry, broke my sobriety, and came back to the house that Christmas morning and I-I hurt her." He said.

I looked at him with so much disgust. "If you really wanted to meet me, you could have waited. You didn't have to kill my mother because of it."

"I loved your mother and I would never purposely hurt her. I wasn't in the right state of mind. It's my fault and I take full responsibility for my actions. I'm really sorry, Ezra." He said. 

"The person who deserves your apology is my mother but because of you she'll never be able to receive that." I said.

"I already apologized to her. We've crossed paths years ago. She has forgiven me and I won't selfishly ask you to forgive me. I just wanted to let you know that we both are watching over you." He said.

"I don't believe you." I muttered to him. I turned around to walk away until I heard a soft familiar voice call out to me.

"Sweetie." I heard my mother say. I turned around to see my mother dressed in all white. She truly looked like an angel. 

"Mom?" I called out feeling my feet stick to the floor below me. 

She opened up her arms but I backed away. 

"How do I know that you're not just playing games on me?" I asked the man who was watching us. 

He walked over to me and my mother. "Because the way you pictured me before was just a figment of your imagination. I was there but not the way you pictured me." He explained.

"And how do I know that the both of you aren't figments of my imagination now?" I asked. 

He walked up to me and touched my shoulder. "Because you can feel this." He said to me.

I stepped back, tripping over my feet which led to me falling on the floor. My mother tried to comfort me but I stopped her. "Why-why are you telling me this now? Don't you know what I'm going through?" I asked them.

My mother sat next to me and stared me in the eyes. "We know sweetie, but you deserve the truth. Besides we don't know if we'll ever be able to visit you again. I have long forgiven you're father for what he did to me, my only hope is that you can move on with your life and be happy. I'm not telling you to forget but in order to move on you have to forgive." She said. 

I looked up at her. "I'm never going to forgive him." I said to her. 

"Son I-"

"Don't call me that!" I shouted at him. 

Son.

The word that I longed to hear my dad say since childhood, I could finally hear it. Yet, hearing it come from him made me feel repulsed by the word. 

He looked down sadly, not daring to say another word. 

"Sweetie, I was talking about forgiving yourself for what happened. You don't deserve the guilt that you place on yourself. As for the man behind us, I know you are angry with him and you have every right to be. But this man is not the same man that hurt me that night, that man is long gone. Joseph loves you and he's always wanted to tell you that." She said to me. I looked away not finding the need to hear how much of a good man he was.

She gently grabbed my chin and turned my face back to hers. "We don't have much time. I just wanted to tell you that it's not over yet and it most certainly is not the end. When you stop being afraid, you not only think clearly but you see clearly too. You don't need to be afraid anymore because I'll always be right here." She said pointing to my heart.

She let go of me and stood up. "Wait I-"

"Goodbye son, we love you." She said to me, grabbing my father's hand, as they walked away from me. They started to fade away and by the time I opened my mouth to speak they were gone.

My eyes shot open and I felt breathless. My mind began to try and make sense of what just happened.

That dream felt more real than any nightmare I had before.

It was real, it had to be.

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