Help Me Up

Falling For You

 

Caspar:

The door shut behind me and that’s when I felt like properly breaking down. I tried to keep it in for the sake of Tyler and Zoe, but now that I was out and nobody could see me, I felt like I was allowed to cry as much as I wanted.

It was a strange sensation. I could feel huge amounts of water trying to escape from my eyes  but only little droplets welled, and although I wanted to scream, I couldn’t breathe and everything was all choked up. My head spun and the world was a blurry mess.

To snap me out of this weird haze, I tried to concentrate on something, anything other than what just happened.

Zoe’s words.

I’ve got him from here Casp, you, just go call your friend and let him know what you are doing.

Just go call your friend and let him know what you are doing.

Call your friend and let him know what you are doing.

Right.

Troye Sivan Mellet. The boy that confused me. The boy that made me have these thoughts. No, not those kind of thoughts, I thought. Even in my state, I laughed. In all seriousness though, I couldn’t really comprehend them myself. Why I was having them, what caused them or most confusing of all, why they were about him.

All I knew was that I was falling for him… and somewhere along the line I fell out of love for Tyler.

I wondered why they had to be about my best friend… scratch that. I knew all the reasons to why it was Troye. He had perfect eyes that were a dangerously peircing blue in the light, perfectly carved lips that were always a pretty shade of pink, a natural blush that was evident on his cheeks and his eyebrows were just…

That wasn’t all. He was amazing. He knew how to make me smile and he would always have the best jokes that would make me laugh so hard that I would cry and he would help me plan some of the pranks I played on Joe, my roommate. He also had a serious side which would come out whenever I needed it to. He would listen to me and then comfort me with a pizza and cuddle with me on the couch while we watched a movie to make me feel better.

I didn’t think much of everything until I had Tyler, and that’s when I lost the time to do anything with Troye. I missed him and sudddenly, everything Tyler did was replaced by Troye.

When we held hands, Tyler’s strong hands would mold into Troye’s in my mind and then I would grip onto them a little bit harder.

When we kissed, I imagined a brown haired boy on the other side of those lips instead of a blonde one, the image making me press more forcefully, wrapping my arms around the other’s shoulders to draw them closer.

I shook myself and, as my confusing thoughts faded, I could finally see the world clearly. I had mindlessly arrived at the park, which was very close to where Troye and I would go busking together. We would sometimes come here to just hang out and waste time so that he wouldn’t have to go home to his dad.

It felt different without him. The atmosphere was thick and sad to match my mood, and I was cold and alone.

Sitting on an aged oak bench, I made up my decison. I needed to get out of here, and when I did, I needed to get over this stupid crush. England. It was huge and full of opportunity. It would distract me from everything. I wouldn’t be going completely, just taking a break from life here. When I came back, I would hopefully be a better, renewed version of the person I was now because being honest, I wasn’t at all proud of what I did to Tyler, the person I called my boyfriend. If I did this, though, I would be losing Tyler, Zoe… and the boy who was always there for me even when I wasn’t there for myself. The boy who found me when I lost myself. I didn’t want this to be a spur-of-the-moment thing that I would regret the next day… but I didn’t think that it would be.