metanoia.

2.

The sun bore down on my back through the ceiling to floor length windows in my studio. I stared prolongedly at the canvas in front of me, fixated on the yellows and blues I had thrown onto it. I hummed softly along to the music I had dully playing in the background that was suppose to help inspire me, but it wasn't in this moment. I put my brush down and placed my hands upon my knees, dropping my head down in thought. Why was I having such a difficult time focusing?

"Mama?"

The sound of that voice made my lips form into a soft smile and I looked up, peaking over the top of my canvas to see my sweet Winnie standing in the doorway.

My sweet sweet Winnie. Her brown curls glistened under the sun that shown through the window and she rubbed her eyes, signaling she had just woken up from her nap. You never know a more true love than when you have a child. Given the circumstances, Winnie was my saving grace. When she came into this world, everything started to make so much more sense.

Pregnant and all, I was able to finish college and was well into my career of Law before I began to realize that it wasn't what made me happy. I was away from Winnie more than I liked to be, I wanted to spend every waking moment with her. Painting was always a past time for me. A lot of the times I found myself painting my beautiful baby girl, which then turned into my best friend Monica, which then turned into strangers. My specialty was portraits and I loved doing them because I loved capturing the raw emotion behind each one of my muses.

Winnie also was a prominent reminder of that night.

Quint was all over her face and some days it was so hard. Hard to look at her and remember how she came to be, hard to look at the pain on her face when she asked why she didn't have a daddy and all of her  friends did, hard to do it all alone sometimes. But i was strong, and I made a way.

The first couple months of Winnie's life i tried really hard to find Quint. I asked around, googled, even went back to the house it all happened at. Nothing. Quint wasn't a very common name so I was shocked I couldn't find anything on this man.

But months turned into years and now at 4, I think Winnie was finally able to accept that it was just her and I... and I was too.

For the longest time I resented Quint for not reaching to find me either. But how could he have known? As far as i knew, that night was just another notch in his belt. As much as it killed me to think of it that way, that's the harsh reality of it all.

"Hi baby. Did you have a nice nap?" I asked. She nodded and sleepily walked over into my embrace, fitting perfectly into the crook of my arm.

"Yes ma'am. But i'm hungry." She said, looking up with me with big brown doe eyes. I chuckled.

"Okay then. Head inside and wash your hands. I'll be right behind you, love." I placed a kiss on her  head and she jumped up, running inside. I stood, grabbing all of my brushes and placing them in the water cup. I wiped my hands on a discarded towel and made my way inside.

Heading into the kitchen, I see Winnie struggling onto her tippy toes to reach the knobs of the sink. I laugh, reaching around her to cut the cold water on.

"Here baby," I grab the soap, squirt two pumps into her hands and rub them together for her. She flicks her fingers a little, playing with the water, before pulling them back and grabbing a paper towel.

"Thank you, mama." She says, grabbing her step-stool before placing it back into the pantry where it belongs.

I grab the bread, peanut butter and jelly before setting up on the island to prepare her lunch.