Love and Other Diseases (bxb)

Chapter Twenty-Two

"Okay, there are a few angles here," Christi said. We were all lounging in Ben's basement, watching Star Wars because apparently it was sinful that I hadn't seen it. "On one hand, you're sexist. On the other hand, you're petty and jealous. On the third, she's evil."

I nodded. "The truth is clear to me."

Kay sighed and leaned her head on Ben's shoulder. "It's kinda sad to know he's sexist. Everything else about him is fine."

"I'm not!"

Ben snapped his fingers and gave me a finger gun. "But you are! You called her a bitch for no reason, for one. For two, you're automatically assuming that because she's a female she's lusting after your man, because women are naturally—note the sarcasm—only motivated by the notion of sucking a man's cock. You also called her vagina repulsive."

"Not her vagina," I corrected. "All vaginas. Vaginas as a concept in general."

"See, that's actually worse."

"I'm gay."

Christi tossed her hair and sent Ben a meaningful look. She mouthed 'excuses'.

"Fine, whatever," I groaned. "Maybe I'm sexist or something. But I honestly think Stupid Alana is coming for my man—and I have to spend time with her today." I looked at the clock. "In two hours."

Kay grimaced. "Yeah, that's awk. Maybe Blake is introducing you guys so he can suggest a threesome later?"

I waited. No one spoke. "Oh, so you'll all call me sexist, but when Kay is obviously biphobic, we're all going to remain silent? Classy. Not all bisexuals are hoebags, Kay."

"Having a threesome doesn't make you a hoebag," Christi claimed, because Christi was a weird sex enthusiast on the low. "In fact, what's wrong with being a hoebag? Don't be boneheaded, Jake."

I groaned and leaned back on the couch. "You're not helping me. I need advice on what to do with Stupid Alana when I see her today. Kill her and hide her body? Tell her she's terrible and that Blake is all mine? Maybe Blake and I can make out in front of her for hours to get the point across."

"Maybe you could apologize for being a sexist pig."

"Kay!"

My friends sucked.

—//—

I was actually nervous to hang out with Alana. Not because she was intimidating, because Stupid Alana ain't shit, but because I was sort of thinking of it as a competition.

Was Blake putting us in the same room to see which one of us he liked better? Was he going to dump me and make sweet, non-stressful, heterosexual love to Alana right next to me? I would vomit.

"Stop making that angry face," Blake snapped. "We're doing this for you."

My brain made a record-scratch sound.

"For me?! You utter imbecile. I am not excited about this situation. In fact, I have an extremely rusty chainsaw in my shed out back. I would honestly rather start that chainsaw up and shove it right up my un-penetrated asshole than see Alana's stupid face right now."

Blake glared. "You're being annoying. Alana's cool. And yes, it is for you, because you'll now see that we're just friends and always will be."

Blake calling me annoying and Alana cool within the same breath made me very comfortable with this whole situation. Absolutely. This was grand.