Saturday

"I'm here mom" I smile while touching the sand, I grab a fistful and let it gently fall away as I slowly wiggle my fingers, it's warm and soft. I sit down and pull out my journal, I stare at the "Never stop fighting" sticker I have on the front of it for a while, noticing the colors as if I'm seeing it for the first time. I trace my fingers over it and can feel how worn down it is. "Did I ever say thank you for giving me this? I remember being so excited to get it, and how I jumped up from the couch to show Emilia who also loved it but I don't think I ever said thank you, it truly is beautiful, you always know exactly what I'll like, so thank you". I breathe and decidedly open the journal to start writing, just as I always do I write the date on the top left corner, location on the top right corner, and the playlist I'm currently making in the center. 

I'm looking at the page that would be blank if not for the date, location and music choice of the evening and I can't seem to come up with the proper words to say what I need to say. The wind picks up and I can feel the gentleness of it greeting me and covering me, the wind is such a magnificent force. It has the ability to sooth and aide you on days where the sun is being too unforgiving and simultaneously destroy you in a single act, without a second thought and nothing could stop it.

"Remember mom? When you used to say that I was unstoppable like the wind" you always did say that I was unstoppable, that nothing could ever get in my way and if they dared to I would just blow right through them. "The spot here is still the same as it was when we used to come, it's surprising how much this place hasn't changed, of course a few minor improvements have been made here and there like new garbage cans that have a recycling compartment included, I remember when I saw it I literally squealed with joy Niko couldn't stop looking at me and smiling because it was the first time he had seen me that happy since April."

I take out a my "to do" notepad and add "check for the trash the filth called humanity left scattered around my beach before leaving". I go to put it back in my backpack but quickly pull it out again and add "tell Niko I love him". My therapist always tells me that in order to overcome certain things you need to face them head on which is why I make myself tell Niko how I feel when I mean it, no matter how terrified it makes me to be that vulnerable, raw and exposed he's made me feel safe.

"You would have fallen in love with him mom, I know you would, in that carefree way of yours, just giving love away to anyone who needs it not even giving it a second thought. I'm still not entirely convinced that you didn't pull some strings with the Big Guy to have him sent my way. He just seems to good to be true, which is why I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but until then I will try to enjoy it."

I'm brave enough to look down to the page I have yet to write anything on and I breathe before taking my pencil, I can feel my hand starting to shake but I try to will myself to relax, taking a deep breath a press the pencil to the page and start writing the letter "M" but before I'm done with the letter I can feel myself start to tear up, I push on and manage to finish the word "Mom".

"I can't' do this mom, not without you. How am I supposed to keep going if I'm missing a part of me? It was you and me against the world like you always used to say, but now it's just me and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do this, I miss you". Tears come down my face as Niko shows up.

"Babe? You ok?"

"Oh hi, what are you doing here?" I say wiping my face.

Niko sits down besides me and grabs my hand "It's the 6-month anniversary and I had a feeling you would be here"

I smile a grateful smile, because he was right of course I would be here, but what he doesn't know and what I won't tell him because I'm too pathetic already is that I've been coming here every Saturday since mom passed away. I started coming because I was angry, no not angry, I was furious with the world, the doctors, life or more so lack thereof. This was our happy place, the place that never failed too make us smile and where I feel most connected to her. Since Saturdays where always our days, I would come down from university and we would have a girls day, it was a sacred thing between us no matter what, we were there with and for each other, even if I had to study and she had work to do we would go to a café and do it together. It didn't have to be this grand adventure every Saturday we just needed to be by each others side. I started coming to feel something again but what I ended up feeling was her, so I kept coming, because it's sacred.

"Hey, are you sure you're ok?" Niko asks analyzing my face.

There's no point in lying to him he can easily see past my façade, so I tell him the truth "No, not at all, and I don't know if I ever will be, but I'm trying to, I just really miss her" I get chocked up on the last part. 

He hugs me tight and says, "take all the time you need, better or not, I will always be by your side".

I hug him tighter "thank you". How can he be this terrifying? 

Once the sun is setting and I begin to shiver even with Nikos coat He asks me if I want to go get some Chai tea at Lola's and I swear he always knows exactly what I'm in the mood for even before I do. I tell him I'll meet him in the car in 5, he smiles at me, kisses my forehead, zips up my jacket and heads for the car. 

I look back down at my journal and start going through the pages, revisiting old pages I have fully filled with scribbles and doodles of happy little furry animals but all of that stopped on April 16, after that nothing. After you nothing.

"I've been trying to write you a letter mom, saying everything I didn't get a chance to say, the goodbye I couldn't utter. But I still can't, and I don't know when I will be able to say it because I don't want to".

I stand up, brush off the sand from my pants and look to the ocean, where I know you are and scream "I love you" with every ounce of strength I scream it over and over again until I'm out of air.

Inhale, exhale comes to my mind, what you always told me when I would get like this and I know it's you speaking to me, so I breathe. "See you next Saturday" with a final I love you, this time whispered to the sky, I make my way to the car.