Whore.

Chapter 29: Hemoglobin

"Excuse me. Sylvia..."

She looked at me. There was both recognition and terror on her face. I was about to ask what had happened to Bradley when she spoke up.

"He went to the bathroom." She began to cry. "He was gone barely a minute when it happened. I'm so sorry, Michael I didn't-" She broke down. I felt pain in my chest, like my heart had been stabbed with a thousand knives, and then crushed by a steam roller. I held her and we cried into each other's shoulders. The fireman left so we could bawl our eyes out. I understood her pain. Bradley had been her favorite student, the one she submitted an essay for, the one with the best essay she ever read in her teaching career. I guess she knew my pain too. Bradley was the only person who ever truly regarded me as important. Other people did give me respect, but none of it felt like what I felt when Bradley looked at me. I remembered this morning, when he stood at my feet and gave me his loving stare. I began to feel numb. This wasn't how he was supposed to go. He was supposed to grow up and become a brilliant vet or animal wrangler or professor of zoology. Not an exploded mist from a school kitchen gas leak. I let go of Sylvia and wiped my eyes. I didn't want to cry anymore. It hurt too much.

"Michael."

I turned around and looked at a grim Swash. He looked scared, but somehow managed not to let it show too much. I tried to straighten up and lay the news on him. My brain tried to form a way to say it without sounding brash. Bradley is dead. No, Bradley has passed away. I didn't even like the sound of it in my head. Slowly, tears began to form again. A single tear ran down my cheeks. Swash saw my expression and turned pale and sickly.

"Where is he? Where's Bradley?"
"There was an explosion..." I started, but I choked on the words. Swash's eyes widened with shock. He turned away from me and buried his face in his sleeve. I walked over to him and placed my hand on his back. That's when he cried. He cried his heart out. He turned around and held me and cried. I wanted to cry, but my eyes hurt too much. I looked at the sky. So, God, out of the hundreds of kids in this school, the only one that had to die was Bradley, right? I felt bad at my thought. I had just wished another kid dead. Still, I felt like it wasn't fair. It felt like my heart was corroding away. After this, I doubt I'd be able to feel anything for anyone again. I didn't want to suffer another loss. It only hurt if you cared. If I never got to know Bradley, if I had never gotten close in the first place, this would just be news I'd watch on TV. I wouldn't feel like my soul had been trampled by a thousand wildebeests. Interesting analogy. I wouldn't have even known what wildebeests were if it wasn't for Bradley. Swash stopped crying and was shaking uncontrollably. I didn't want him to drive home in this condition, so I had him lock his car and I got a cab.

The ride home was silent. Swash's reddened eyes were looking at the sky, as if cursing God for taking his son away. I knew what he felt. It hurt so much. His birthday was in three days. He hadn't even turned five. Another tear ran down my face and I cleaned it quickly. I didn't want to cry anymore. We had to face the future. Bradley was gone. Another little blip in the radar of human history was extinguished. And nothing would change. It was sad, but it was the truth. We got home and Swash went to his room. He wanted to be alone. I couldn't blame him. This must've been the worst week in his life. Almost fired. Now his son was dead. I didn't think I'd be able to handle something like that. I sat on the couch. Everything felt surreal, like it wasn't happening. A little over eight hours ago, Bradley was alive and choosing ties. Now he was gone. I knew the feeling. I had suffered loss before. Three losses. It took me almost a year to recover, and the world had not exactly been patient with me. The drugs helped a bit, but once the buzz was gone, the emotions returned. That's why I felt so hardened. Emotions were useless. They only led to pain. Something Swash would discover soon. I closed my eyes and lay on the couch. I wanted this day to end.