Crap

OMG FUNNY QUOTES <3

You know it's going to be a long day when you yell 'Seriously?!?' at your alarm clock.

One of the scariest things ever is flushing a toilet & seeing the water coming up instead of going down.

I thought I would someday outgrow Ramen noodles. Man, was I wrong.

Does anyone have that light switch in their house that they really don't know what it goes to...

When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot. When my boss makes a mistake, hey! He's only human!

Dear God, my prayer for 2012 is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did this year.

I love how when my soap runs out in the shower, my shampoo magically transforms into body wash.

I could be in another country but if someone is waiting on me and they call, I always say I'll be there in 5 minutes.

Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This idiot put my cape on backwards.'

Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works....

I don't care how many warnings I get, I am still going to eat raw cookie dough.

My 'check engine' light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there.

I never drink coffee at work...mainly because it keeps me awake.

How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing.

I always write 'Wake Up' on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that its my cellphone.

Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.

I'll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones.

Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it weren't for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish.

It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

I don't have ex's. I have y's. Like y the heck did I ever date you?!?!

When I was younger, I would put my face close to a fan & talk to hear my robot voice...

That one annoying relative who comments on everything you do on Facebook.

 Okay mom...you know I love you...but I can't accept your friend request on Facebook.

Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.

Why is everyone congratulating me on my sister-in-law being pregnant? I had nothing to do with it!

Google+ is the gym of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

Men are like trees, they take forever to grow up.

If Facebook ever shuts down, you'll see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in others' faces screaming 'Do you like this!?!?!.. DO YOU!?!?!'