Pacifier

\\Isabelle//

So he did.

As the study door closed behind John and his arm came to rest kind of lazy around my shoulders as we walked away I heard a thud from inside, like furniture falling over. Like something breaking.

When we left Van sitting there in his study I felt the strangest kind of discomfort lingering inside me. Bubbling away for the rest of the day. Not quite dread but something similar.

Like i knew deep down that I shouldn't have left him alone.
Like I should have swallowed my apprehension, my nerves, and told my brother I'd be fine. Told Van that I wasn't frightened of him.

"You do as Van told you to today alright tink?" said Johnny as we walked down the street hand in hand.

Usually when Van walked with me he took me the long way round. Brushed his thumb over the back of my hand whilst we walked, or slipped his hand under my cardigan to hold my waist, fingers squeezing oh so slightly as they rubbed over my hip. I always felt like he was dragging it out, trying to make our time together last as long as possible without making it obvious to anyone else that he really cared at all.

However walking with my big brother I sensed an urgency. Every now and then he would pick up the pace again and I would find myself struggling to keep up with him. It almost felt like he was rushing, racing to get rid of me.

"But Della isn't..." i started to say before he stopped us dead in our tracks and crouched down to shush my, his finger to my lips and his eyes sharp and stern.

Over the years I'd grown used to my brothers sudden protective streak, the way that every now and then he could turn serious at the drop of a hat.

"Don't finish that sentence here," he whispered with an urgency which startled me into silence. My eyes wide as I watched him. Waited for him to continue.

"But..."

"Isabelle don't." Johnny repeated himself, one hand on my shoulder gripping tightly, telling me not to try my luck. Telling me to settle down, to listen and to do as I was told. "Iz don't argue with me on this and definitely don't argue with Van..." he carried on, "Youre to do as he told you alright?" he asked and when I didnt answer, when i chewed my cheek, eyes on the pavement, subdued and almost upset with them both he repeated himself again. "Alright?"

"B..." i started to speak only to lose my way when I set eyes on a group of lads across the street. I shut up when i set eyes on them. I could feel my tears welling up anyway, i could feel the lump growing in my throat and I knew that even if i had the words I'd never get them out without crying.
I may have been young and naive, i may have been the baby of the bottlemen but I wasnt stupid.

You never let anyone see you cry. Especially not your enemies.

"You want me to tell them?" i asked, tone changing entirely as Bondy squeezed me in closer to his side. He shook his head.

"I want you to tell someone else, just loud enough for them to hear..." he said, "its important Iz," he said, "don't think about whether its true or not... "

"Is it?"

"Izzy youre to do as you're told." He said it again and I struggled trying to smile, trying to nod because I knew I couldn't argue back. But then I thought about Della and chewed my cheek. Felt a little guilty for smiling when the truth they were telling me to spread was quite so dark.

"Is she alright Johnny?" i asked quietly but he only shook his head, unable to quell my nerves.

"You do me a favour and ask Van that tonight," he chuckled and I wondered what he meant. He only grinned when I frowned seemingly confused, "he'll probably tell you more than he tells me..." he said winking and i wondered how much he really knew. When he told me I could be a little double agent i felt a discomfort twisting inside me. I couldn't tell whether he was teasing or not.