Year 10; Day 3665
The hospital, what a surprise at this point. I was tired of seeing hospitals three days into this whole cancerous mess and now I'm beyond the point of anger towards my body. If only you could talk with your body and just have a conversation about "hey let's not die today or anytime soon" but no that can't possibly happen.
I woke up attached to many tubes and monitors. At this point I knew this is where I was going to die. Even though I wished to die at home with my family and my friends, I just don't think that's possible anymore. It was dark so I'm guessing it's a night and the steady beat of the monitor beside me kept my mind ticking.
What day is it? How long have I been out? Am I still out and dreaming? Am I dead? Being alone in a dark quiet hospital room is very depressing. Hospitals alone can either bring miracles or destruction. If there was some type a miracle to help me get rid of my cancer state, I would gladly take it. Not for myself, to live a happy and normal life but for everyone around me. In all honestly I'm pretty tired of living the sick life and I can assure you a lot of people like me are. I was always the special cancer patient, the one who had multiple cancers over the vast time of 10 years. There have been numerous specialty doctors who think they can cure me or give me new treatment and all fails. Never works and especially after I get my hopes up of maybe this one will work this time, it never does and I almost go into a depressed like state until I can pull myself out again.
So why haven't I gotten to my depressed state now? I know I'm going to die and I've accepted it completely and wholly but why hasn't happened? Am I really at peace with myself right now? Because I feel like I'm not but in the back my mind maybe I am. Maybe after 10 years of trying to stay alive my heart and my soul I've decided to just give up. In the movies that have cancer patients they always say "I'm never going to give up" or "I can get myself through this" but in the real world that's not it at all. We give up and I've seen numerous hospital friends give up their fight. It's heartbreaking to see the light fall from their eyes accept that they're never going to live truly.
"Am I one of those?" I whispered to myself.
When I was about 14, I met a girl named Amelia. At the time my various cancers we had the same and we were in the same treatment. And mine wasn't as bad as hers but it was still up there. Amelia was beautiful, she had the kindest soul and she loved to make the younger cancer patients smile and be happy. She warmed everybody's hearts around her but I guess her time just came too soon. We were treated together and roomed together for about six months. One morning I woke up to find all of her things gone and myself alone in my room. She had died in the late hours of the night in her sleep. The doctor didn't think she would die so soon because her treatment was going well. I've never cried over someone so much. I didn't get how such a beautiful person such a tragic ending but at least she went peacefully. My mom held me as I sobbed for her and her family. Her family came a week later to tell me how much they appreciate me because I'd helped Amelia so much. One of the last conversation she had with her mother, I guess was about me and how happy she was to be friends with me. That was the day I decided I wouldn't just end my fight, that I would keep going for her. And I did I fought as hard as I could for her.
All good things come to an end. This light that shone upon me has slowly come to an end. I've accepted the fate I've been given just like I know she did. The night before she died, we had a deep talk and she stated that she was ready. She knew she would do it anytime and she was okay with it because she know she had done what she could to leave a mark on the world. She did in so many kids hearts as well as mine and her family's.
Sleep wasn't an option for me at this point. I was scared that maybe I would leave in the middle of the night without saying goodbye. It was getting closer, the clock is ticking down and there's nothing I can do.
Luke was here early in the morning, around maybe 6 AM. When he saw I was awake, he lounged down on the bed beside me and wrapped his arms around me carefully without disturbing the tubes. I didn't know what to say to him because there was so much to say.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled quietly.
He peered down at me questioningly. "About what?"
"About dying." My voice cracked as tears welled up. I couldn't hold all my emotions, they had to come out but only to Luke. "I'm sorry about everything."
"Hey hey hey," His fingers found my chin and lifted it so I was looking at him, his blue eyes locking with mine. "Never be sorry for this. We've gone over this before Alex. I can't imagine how you're feeling but I want you to know that I'm here with you and I'm not leaving your side, ever again. Terrible shit happens but there's nothing we can do. We could only bask in the moments we have left that's exactly what we want to do. I want to be here with you and I want to love you with all my heart. I love you so much Alex, never ever forget that."
"Luke I'm so fucking scared. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to feel." Tears escaped as I ranted out my feelings. "I don't want to leave you or Tony or my parents. I love you guys too much."
"I know you do," He whispered, hugging me closer. "Remember this though, you are technically Alexandra Hemmings now."
My breath hitched as another sob escaped me. He was right, we are married. but we would never do married couple things like buying a house or a dog or even have kids. We would never be able to go on our honeymoon or just have an night in eating pizza and loving each other. We would never have any of that.
"I love you Luke so much," I kissed him passionately and pulled him tighter to me. "Thank you for loving me."
"My pleasure baby, always my pleasure. Thank you for loving me, the international rock star."
"Thank you for being my international rock star."
