Insane? (Completed)

Insane?

I jolt out of my day dream, shocked and terrified of my own mind. I flinch as the front door to my flat slams open. I hear my boyfriend Elliott loudly announce his arrival. I sit there trying to comprehend what happened. I hear Elliott walk to our room and look at me in concern.

"Emile? what's wrong?" He asks looking worried.

"I'm fine, just tired," I say shakily, and he looks at me, clearly not believing a word I say.

"Come on- clearly your lying, you look like you've seen a ghost, did you have a nightmare? It's okay if you did." He's getting more concerned.

He shouldn't be concerned for me; I might hurt him, it's obvious I'm losing it. Oh my god, what if I do hurt him, I would never forgive myself.

"Yeah it's just a nightmare, I promise I'm fine." I say, trying to be as convincing as possible.

"Okay, do you want to talk about it? You know I'm always here if you need me." He reassures me.

I feel bad, he is so loving, and I'm horrible. He doesn't deserve me.

"I know, but I don't really feel like talking about it." I say looking down.

"It's okay, you don't have to talk, maybe we should invite our friends over and we could all talk about it all together?" I mean it's not a bad idea, they'll all find out I'm sick at once so I won't have to repeat it and I won't have to go through the pain of them leaving me again.

It will all just happen at once.

"Yeah I like that idea, thank you." I say, smiling weakly.

Elliott sits next to me. "Of course, I'll do whatever I can to make you feel better."

I smile at him again, this one a little brighter. Elliott goes to make the calls while I stay on the bed trying to prepare for tonight, I started to cry thinking about it, everyone I love is going to leave me. I don't know what happened but this is the third time this week that I've had a thought about me hurting my loved ones.

I always thought I was normal, or as normal as an overly emotional theater nerd can be. I wonder what changed. I decided to stop thinking about it and go eat. I walk past the living room and see Elliott talking on the phone.

"Hey Elliott, I'm making some lunch do you want anything?" I whisper.

"No thank you, I ate when I was shopping." He smiles. I whisper an okay and walk to the kitchen.

I look in the cupboards for something to eat, thank God Elliott went shopping today. I had been eating ramen all week waiting for pay day, normally we have enough money for the whole week before we run out and by then one of us gets paid but this week we had to pay rent so I had to wait for Elliott to get paid because I don't get paid until next Friday. I find enough for a ham sandwich and decide that sounds good. After I finish, Elliott finally gets off the phone it took him two hours to tell our four friends but I guess that makes sense, they are all very talkative and friendly. They agreed to come over for dinner around 4 p.m. so that gives me two hours to mentally prepare for the conversation.

I decide to get dressed and make sure I look presentable even if they're all my close friends, I still want to look nice. I change into a pair of black skinny jeans and a long sleeve dark green sweater. I think I look nice but I still think I should get a second opinion.

"I'll just go ask Elliott." I say to myself. Oh god talking to myself is not going to make me seem any less insane.

"Hey Elliott, how do I look? Your always saying I have bad taste in clothes and now I'm always paranoid that I look bad!" I say with a playful pout.