Generation (Malignant Epilogue Series)

Sexuality

But like usual, I continued to see the relationship through because I thought that it was what I needed to do. You can't just have a connection with someone over night, maybe I needed time to find that spark between us.

So we went on more dates, more ice cream, more movies, more dinners. This went on for a couple months until he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I said yes.

When I was sixteen he took his parents car and we drove out to a cheesy lookout point. I remember how he picked the perfect soft radio station, packed the perfect snacks, and pulled the perfect moves on me. I remember how bright the moon was as I was straddling his lap, kissing him in desperate need to feel the emotion everyone so badly talked about.

I thought that the minute things got intimate between us, I would feel it. He's done everything right to that point, so why wasn't I feeling that spark still?

"God Mariah." He kissed my neck while gripping my hips, the vehicle windows starting to fog. I remember gripping the back of my head while staring out at the back of the car, numb.

My body was physically reacting to him, aching in certain places like the human body does when someone kissed and gripped them in certain spots. But my heart wasn't in it even though I so badly wanted to be. I've done everything at this point besides sleeping with my boyfriend, how was I not feeling the spark.

I felt bad when I hopped off of him in the car and immediately asked for him to take me home. He was instantly concerned, worried he did something wrong. He did nothing wrong, I just needed to go home.

I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, why I couldn't feel a human intimate connection with someone. Was I a sociopath? I couldn't be, I know what love feels like. But the only with my family.

I wanted to be in love.

Then I started realizing I just wasn't attracted to Matthew like I kept telling myself to be. He was a handsome boy but something I didn't think about late at night in my bed or get excited for. I just wasn't attracted to him, but I wasn't attracted to any boy that came my way.

"Maybe you just like older guys." Lacie said to me with a shrug, but deep down I don't think that was it.

I broke up with Matthew without giving him the explanations he deserved, I felt bad. I did it quick outside his locker at school, he was crushed. I never wanted to hurt him, but I couldn't go on with his feelings if I didn't feel the same way for him.

He asked to switch lab partners, it was understandable. I didn't expect him to wanna be around me everyday like that after I broke his heart. So I got switched to a girl named Payton.