Casualties [Negan]

1.

Millie

"We're going to kill them in their sleep?" I sputtered, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. Rosita had explained it over and over to me, rationalizing the massacre that was going to take place later tonight. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't wrap my head around it.

"If we don't do something now we'll end up like the people at Hilltop or maybe worse," She repeated what she had been trying to instil into me the last hour. She kept trying to drill that it was well deserved, but my unwilling brain was screaming in opposition. With how much effort she was putting into convincing, I wonder if she was trying to convince herself too.

I've known Rosita since the beginning of the end of the world. We lived right next to one another in the same apartment complex before all the madness ensued. I was too intimated by her to ever talk to her before the apocalypse, but when I saw dead people eating one another all bets were off. She was leaving and seemed to know what she was doing, so I asked to come with. I didn't have anyone else, minus a couple friends, and Rosita didn't seem to mind. Quickly, Abraham found us with Eugene and we were sent on a mission to get Eugene to DC.

I was never really a strong type. I usually hung back with Eugene. I was the "last leg of protection" according to Abraham, but I really knew he just didn't want me getting in the way. Or throwing up. I tended to do that when the walkers were particularly disgusting. Luckily, because I had been nurse before, they found me valuable enough not pressure me into the front lines. But that only made me feel incredibly guilty when others got hurt.

People joined us here and there on the mission to DC, some left and most died. Eventually, Glen and Tara came along and then Maggie. Then Eugene revealed the truth. Everything seemed to fall apart for a bit. I won't lie, I was disappointed when I found out there wasn't a cure. But I think I realized it was too good to be true long before.

Terminus was a bust and is now a special folder in my trauma cabinet. That's how we met Rick and the rest of his group. They were good people, and even better survivors. I was grew closest with Carol after we met her outside of Terminus. She liked to take care of me and always tried to toughen me up. Sometimes I talk with Daryl too, whenever he actually felt like talking. 

After Terminus, came Aaron. He came to us when we needed something the most. We had been on the outside for too long, or at least that's what Michonne would say. I could see her point. We were losing ourselves to the outside. We were going to die by surviving, a tough and slow death. Although there was some mistrust, we finally gave Aaron a pinch of trust.

Now we have Alexandria. A home. A place to fight for. After the drama with native Alexandrians ended, I finally let myself feel safe. Of course that rug was pulled out from under me when the Wolves broke in. Another folder in the cabinet. That's one I don't care to ever open.

Finally, as we were rebuilding, Jesus came along. I understand Rick's desire to obtain them as an ally, or at least I think I do. They have resources we need and the most valuable thing we have to offer is our skills to kill. Not necessarily me, but the others.

However every time we had to kill before this, we were attacked first. Whenever we killed people they were undoubtedly bad. They hurt us. It was kill or be killed. That's what Carol told me after she found me with the Wolf man.

This was different.

We were going out of our way to kill. I always have had good intuition, and I had a horrible gut feeling about this. I can't help, but think we're poking a sleeping bear.

"From what Maggie told me the Saviors sound like bad news..." I mumbled, nervous. I was always nervous speaking my mind, especially in this environment. Everyone has to have their opinions of course, but it's a lot more cut throat nowadays. If you thought differently than the group's majority it seemed like you'd get shunned. I noticed that happened to Morgan after he tried to explain to the group his pacifism.

"Don't worry about it. I shouldn't have told you. You aren't coming anyways." Rosita sighed, looking tired. The plan tonight didn't seem to be the only thing stressing her out. Abraham had been distant apparently. There was probably more to that story, but I didn't want to upset her further. But I knew what I was going to say next would anyways.

"Actually..." I fiddled with my shirt, unable to meet her eyes, "I am going."

"I'm sorry?" Rosita sounded like she genuinely didn't hear me, but I knew she had.

"Rick asked me to come on the mission tonight. He wanted to have someone on hand just in case someone gets hurt. I didn't know what I was agreeing to at the time but... yeah. That's why I asked you about it in the first place." I gulped when I saw Rosita's eye start to twitch. She always has been very protective of me. It's probably because I'm weak and she feels bad. I know she does the same thing for Eugene.

It's okay because I know I'm weak. But it's mostly because I can't hurt people. Even if they're hurting me. Rosita has tried to help me toughen up time and time again, but I always flop. Carol too. Even Abraham gave it a go, but he gave up in ten minutes flat and told me I was an angel. It was a nickname he never gave up.

"Why can't Denise go?" Rosita snapped more, looking upset.

"Denise hasn't been outside yet, I know how the outside works. Besides I'm just a nurse... Denise has done surgery." I explain, but Rosita didn't look any more calm.

"She's a psychologist! You're more valuable. You shouldn't go!" She began to pace, riling herself up.

"A psychologist that saved Carl from a gunshot wound." I pointed out, but it didn't seem to help much.

"Exactly! She should come in case something like that happens again..." She sighed heavily, clearly frustrated.

"Don't argue with me," I held my hands up in surrender, "Take it up with Rick."

"You're right I'm sorry, it's just you shouldn't be around this," She finally seemed to settle, even if it was just slightly.

"So you admit it's not good?" I asked bravely.

"Of course it's not good, we're killing people," Rosita sighed, not wanting to start up again.

"It's murdering people..." I sighed too, just as tired.

"I can't argue anymore and I can't change Rick's mind. Just be careful tonight." She looked serious and forced me to keep eye contact.

"I'll try. But you need to be careful too." I reached out and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze in which she returned.

"I will," She pulled away and started for the exit, "Love you." She batted her eyelashes at me teasingly and shoved me after I was quiet for too long.

"Love you too, freak." I finally returned with a smile, cheering up a tad.

"Weirdo." She quipped back before leaving the room I shared with Eugene. He was a bit of creep of a roommate, but he wasn't messy and he always shared his midnight snacks with me. 

I settled back into bed, attempting to take a nap before we had to hit the road. I couldn't seem to fall asleep though. I was too paranoid that this was going to go bad.

When I finally began to dose off, I remembered something the butterfly affect.

Every action has a reaction.