Back and Forth ~ Love Sakura🌸

INTRO : Who is he?

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't meant to be alive, but here I am. He gripped me from my crippling depression and anxiety and gave me wings...

First Love~🌸

I had just moved to Seoul, South Korea with my family at the age of fifteen . I hated just the idea that we had to leave my home town Jukdo, near Busan. My friends, my family, MY LIFE was there and we had to leave. I fell into the dark hole of depression and I felt like I couldn't get out of it. I was trapped, chained to a wall.

I was invited to a Halloween party by some friends of my parents when I first met my first guy friend. He was goofy, dorky and really tall compared to my five foot two self. His hair was platinum blond and curly with a pair of glasses to tie together his features. I kind of just stood from afar and let time go by from that moment.

As a whole year went by I met and at first befriended this person named Jer-Min. He was about four or six inches taller than I was and it turned out that we shared the same common interest, art. I do admit, I fell for him the moment that I saw him. His fluffy brown hair and pale skin with freckles mesmerized my mind. That was the first moment that I knew I was trapped by an enchantment that he gave off, but there was another girl whom I was worried about.

On December 31st, I had finally found out what the tall boy's name was. I remember it so clearly. I honestly don't know what I was initially thinking, but I had decided to were an Attack on Titan scout jacket to a new years conference. When I was there, I saw from afar a small group of four boys tilt their heads up and do the salute to me. I almost cried laughing. Later that night I went up to the first one who saluted me, which happened to be the tall one, his name was Yeol-Soon.

Later that year I became better friends with Yeol, but sort of lost talking with Jer. I had finally found a friend group that I could trust. I felt protected and loved by them. While I was battling my own demons of self hate and low self esteem, they stuck by me. And by 'they' I mean Yeol and his other friends Jojo and Dom. They were both tall boys too, Jojo had long hair with a muscular build and Dom was so skinny, but I could still see he had some strength.

It was summer of that year that I got back in touch with Jer-Min. He had been wanting to become a doctor and would often tell me about his dream, but he would also randomly text me because he needed to vent about bad grades. I knew that I would not be able to get him off my mind, no matter what. My heart ached for him.

It wasn't till later that I started to fall for Yeol. He was my best friend and I ended up falling for his kindness, but that's where this story took a sad turn. My depression and anxiety came back ten times worse. I felt so worthless and degraded, like I meant absolutely nothing. I stopped talking to my friends the rest of the summer.

The new school year started and I entered my senior year of high school. The school I went to only needed me to be there for a few hours a day so I was able to volunteer at my little sister's school where I met the third boy. I asked my sister Hyana's friend what his name was. Jun, it matched him well. He too was a senior and I felt connected to him somehow. He was smart, funny, and really handsome and sweet.

I buried all my feeling for all of them. I didn't want to get hurt, but that lead to watching one of my friends fall for someone else. Yeol, why did he have to forget me? What I mean by this is that earlier that year, at the end of summer, he had confessed that he had liked me. I secluded myself away from people, didn't eat, or sleep. I felt that he was lying to me every time that he called me beautiful or special or amazing, or any sort of compliment. I didn't feel like I deserved him.

I didn't find out till later, but Jer went to the same school as Hyana and Jun. That was fun, said no one ever. I would wave at him when we passed each other in the hallways, but than that stopped. My feelings that I suppressed for him came back out like a volcano. I ignored him for quite some time, but the depression came back and I felt so lost. The only thing that was keeping me sane was that I was starting to become friends with Jun and he made me laugh. He made me think of nothing else, just joy.

I felt like I was going to go crazy! I was in love with three people at once! One is my best friend who I feel safe with and can depend on and, I love him dearly. The other one was just a mere crush but turned into such and light who is everything I need and ever wanted. But the last, I love him on a much deeper level and I can't get him out of my mind. He has seduced me with his eyes and nature. It just got more confusing from there.

I felt chains around my neck, wrists, and ankles. No escape from my feelings or emotions. To this day I ask myself what should I have done instead? The worst part was the girl that Yeol liked, was my friend.