but who could love me
becoming the master of emotional distance and fear of commitment was a skill i worked very hard for, thank you very much.
i must've done it subconsciously, though, because in my childhood memories, for the life of me, i can't recollect feeling bile climb up my throat at the mere thought of being shown affection. my breath stayed even when people i was supposed to have liked were in close proximity.
don't be confused when i mention my hyperventilation, or my lack there of. please don't make my gasps and embarrassment the type relating to sweaty palms and butterflies and blushing. i'm talking about a throat so constricted i want to request medication for my allergy to happiness. butterflies that must be bloodthirsty and growing feet in wingspan by the second. hives. yes, you heard that right, doctor: hives. a symptom of the allergy, obviously.
my current remedy for the discomfort can only do so much; after a couple hours of scratching and clawing and grabbing, skin starts to look less like skin and more like an ugly painting consisting of only one color but crying because there's more skin cells under my fingernails than on my arm somehow feels better than crying because there's a malfunction in my brain actively ruining my life.
i am out of my mind!
