Moments Of Happy

Lonely Much?

Have you ever just been plain sad? You don't know why, you have nothing to be sad over, but, you just feel like curling up into a ball and crying till you can't cry anymore?

Do you ever feel alone? Do you ever feel so alone that it's hard to breath, it's hard to eat, and hard to even do the things you love? Sometimes, even when I'm in a room full of people, I still feel alone.

Feeling alone is one of the hardest things any human will ever have to deal with. Whether it's because you just broke up with your loved one, or you just moved to a new place,

or you even just feel like no one cares.

I've had many nights where I've wanted to cry but I just couldn't. The tears wouldn't come, and sometimes, that feels worse than being alone.

I've tried listening to sad music, I've tried watching sad movies, and I've even tried of just thinking of something sad. But none of it seems to work.

And after all that, I tried something that would even bring tears of joy. My best friend. They wrote me this card one time to thank me for a birthday gift I got them, it was full of small things that meant something to us both.

They wrote me a thank you card and inside it said, "You are the mars to my solar system" I thought for sure this would bring me tears. But alas, it did not.

I felt like I needed to tell someone, I wanted to talk to my friends, ask if I was crazy that I couldn't cry, but I was scared. I was scared that they would think I was weak.

I still feel alone.

I was always the one to help them with their problems. They call me the friend group mom, and I wanted to be strong for them.

One day I was so sick of not being able to cry and not knowing why. So I went to the internet. I looked up, what to do when you can't cry. Lots of things came up, but one thing that meant the most to me was one woman.

She wrote about her being in the army, and that the women had to show off as strong to the men, and not show emotion, She said that she had hidden her tears so much that she made an emotional block around her heart. And that for the longest time she just couldn't cry, it wasn't in her body anymore.

She said that sometimes people build these blocks because either they hide their emotions so often that their mind was used to hiding them, or that something had happened that was so damaging that the heart built this wall so that it couldn't be broken again.

At first I had no idea what might have caused this for me. I was clueless. For months I wondered and wondered.

I've always had trouble trusting people. I just thought it was normal, teens always had trust issues right? Wrong. Without me even noticing it was happening, I started drifting from my closest friends. I was hanging on by the threads of the rope.

This was all until my best friend slipped off the boat completely. They had tried committing suicide. I was a stupid thirteen year old. They had been cutting themselves for a while but I didn't say anything to anyone.

Of course they told me not to, but I should have. They were hurting himself and I never thought it would go that far. But I almost lost them. I went straight to our school adviser. I was crying In her office for what felt like forever. I don't cry, especially in front of people, but I couldn't hold it in. I was mad at myself for not saying something sooner. And I was mad at them for doing that to me.

They found out I told the adviser and were so upset. They avoided talking to me for a week, and wouldn't even look at me. I cried myself to sleep for eight days straight. Then, they finally texted me.

"I'm sorry." That's what the text said... Then, "I'm sorry I did this to you. I shouldn't have ignored you. You saved my life, you stopped me from doing something I couldn't undo."

"Something I couldn't undo." That's what really hit me. All these teens dealing with this sadness that overwhelms them in a void of nothingness.

Who can they turn to? Who can they trust? .....Trust... What a funny thing that is. One second you can trust someone with your whole world, then the next, never talk to them again.

This depression that people fall into isn't just a sadness that makes you want to cry. It's the feeling of nothing at all. Like you're trapped in an empty dark room with no escape.

But.. Sometimes you're lucky. You have a safety line you can pull when you feel like you can't hold on alone any longer... And I was that safety.

Never feel like you're in it alone. There is always someone right around the corner feeling the exact same way.

This line doesn't have to be someone you know. It can be someone completely random. There are people who will help you and places you can contact anonymously.

There is always help. Always another way. You should never feel like you're trapped in that dark room all alone. Because you're not, and you never will be. Just pull that safety line and turn on your flashlight.

The choice is yours. Are you going to face it alone? Or are you going to pull the line.

-Just Me DayDreaming