I had it all organized in my head. Everything that I want to say to him. "Why are you here? Why did you comeback? Lagi mo ako nililigtas, tinutulungan and I'm so thankful for that. You don't know how much it means to me. Pero bakit?" I forced myself to chuckle. I cupped his face and surprisingly, he just let me. "Do you really believe that I choose this life? Kung maniniwala ka, hindi ko naman ipipilit. Pero sana.. sana bigyan mo ako ng chance na mabuhay ulit. Sana ikaw ang magpakita sa akin na pwede pa, pwede pa ulit akong bumangon. Ikaw na lang Drei. Ikaw na lang ang meron ako. Please, maawa ka.." I pleaded. I was crying, chuckling hysterically and forcing myself to carry on. Mababaliw na ako sa sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko.
"Marumi ako'ng babae, wala ako'ng karapatan humingi ng kahit ano sa'yo. Pero nagmamakaawa ako. Ikaw na lang, ikaw na lang ang makakatulong sa akin. Nasa mga kamay mo ang buhay ko. Kung patuloy mo ako'ng pahihirapan o ililigtas. Nagmamakaawa ako, Drei." Wala na ako'ng makita dahil sa mga luha ko. Napakapit ako sa kanyang damit, sa dibdib niya hanggang sa unti-unti ako'ng napaupo, niyakap ko ang mga binti niya. Hindi siya nakakilos, tulala siyang nakatayo. Hindi na ako makahinga sa pagiyak, masakit ang aking dibdib–masaydo ng masakit. Hindi ko na kaya pang tumanggap na mga paghihirap.
Napahagulgol ako at napatakip ng bibig pagkatapos ko'ng sabihin ang lahat lahat ng nararamdaman ko.
Hindi ko alam kung naiintindihan ba niya ang mga sinasabi ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung may saysay pa ba, napapagod na kasi ako umiyak. Nakakasawa nang mapagod. Ayoko na. Gusto ko nang magkaroon ng direksyon ang buhay ko.
Lumuwag ang pagyakap ko sa mga binti niya.
"Drei, gusto ko nang mamatay.." Napahagulgol ako ulit. I covered my mouth using my palm.
I cried until I feel tired. I didn't get any response from him. Pilit kong kinalma ang aking sarili hanggang sa tumahimik. Muli ay nakakabingi na naman ang katahimikan.
It was a long and harrowing silence.
I struggled, slowly pushing to my feet despite being disoriented. The situation was a frantic beat in my blood, the silence is too deafening and the sickness in my gut is spreading like a cancer.
I need air so I could regain myself and I can shove the memories back into a deep, black hole where they still lived in. My eyes stung when our gazes met, he was still there. He didn't move–he didn't move an inch. His chest expanding on deep breaths. I just want to get out of this agony where I once live through.
His eyes were suddenly different, there was no threat anymore. I saw something in his eyes I've been begging to see again. My eyes were brimmed with tears of disbelief but I keep it myself. Ayokong umasa. I just couldn't let him see that from me because he had seen enough.
"I'm sorry." I said, forcing myself to smile. "I'm sorry because I'm still stuck in the past."
Tumalikod na ako. Gusto ko ng makalabas at makahinga.
"Aizelle, wait.." He said, clear and loud enough to stop me from opening the door.
Narinig ko na naman ang boses niya, ang boses niya na kinatatakutan at kahinaan ko. It wasn't a threat, it wasn't a command. He sounded like he was begging for me not to leave.
I started hearing his footsteps approaching from behind. Ten, five or even three feet behind me, at a guess. His presence became so painful and so strong and it gave me intense goosebumps.
I want to swivel around so I could see him. I couldn't do it. I was frozen to the spot.
He paused behind me. I could almost feel his gentle breath fanning through my hair and my shoulders. My stomach churned while I waited for him to speak.
Chapter XVI (Part 2)
Start from the beginning
