Sanditon revisited

11: What are my sentiments, exactly?

"Where is Miss Heywood?" he anxiously asked Tom.

"Don't worry. She was exhausted after this adventurous day and took a carriage back to Bedford Place. She is quite safe, I can assure you."

Sidney was not concerned about her safety, he worried about what she must think of him. Even if she had denied being in love with him to that lady, she surely must have felt the same, tangible connection between them during the dance and then he had deserted her abruptly, sought the company of another woman and ignored her. He was not pleased with himself, but he could not change it now. He wanted to run after her but knew he could not do it without making a spectacle of himself and it was likely too late anyway. Instead he made conversation with Mrs. Campion, smiled when she smiled, politely fetched her refreshments but did not ask her to dance. He was not in the mood for further dancing and after an hour he announced that he too would withdraw for the evening.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Sidney", said Mrs. Campion with a mocking giggle. "I never knew you to be one to call it a night so early."

He had on his tongue that a decade had passed since she knew him and she had no idea how he was now, but he bit back the words knowing she meant no harm.

His intention had been to ignore Tom's previous words about her coming to Sanditon, but she would not let him forget them.

"Before you leave, pray tell me; this regatta your brother mentioned, when is it due?"

"Next Saturday."

"Would you welcome me there? Host me as your guest? A regatta sounds amusing and it would be lovely if you accompanied me from London, so I don't have to do that tedious journey alone with only my maid."

She had not asked him if he was married or engaged but perhaps she knew he was not. Her interest in him flattered his ego but he found it slightly disturbing how convinced she seemed to be that he wished to be with her. Her tone of voice suggested that she expected a favourable answer and Sidney found himself cornered. He was not sure at all that he wanted Mrs. Campion there for the regatta. For one thing he did not know what his feelings for her presently were, secondly this regatta was something he had been looking forward to experience with Charlotte now when they were on good terms. The regatta was her idea, she had helped to make it come to life and he now realised that he unconsciously had imagined to share it with her. It would be very impolite and definite to turn down Mrs. Campion's request though, putting an abrupt end to reacquainting himself with her and he was not prepared to do that either. Faced with two options of which he liked neither, he hesitated but leaned towards saying no when Tom intervened again. His brother was so excited at the prospect of prominent visitors that he did not dwell on how Sidney might feel about having Mrs. Campion there.

"Of course you must come! Sidney will be delighted to have you there as will Mary and I. Splendid, splendid!" he said exuberantly, clapping his hands together.

Sidney had nodded in acceptance then, there was no other choice if he did not want to come off as terribly rude, but it did not sit well with him and now in the solitude of his room he felt trapped somehow. Without succeeding he tried to figure out what he truly felt about Mrs. Campion returning into his life but most of all his thoughts went to Charlotte, sleeping only a few steps away. What had she felt, what had she thought of him when she left the ball and what would she think when he brought Eliza Campion to Sanditon?

Yesterday evening in the carriage she had accused him of being insensitive of feeling. Of all accusations she had made against him, this was the one he found to be most unfair next to that of him being racist and it was the one that disturbed him most. First he had not known why but processing it over and over during the night with her in his arms he had finally understood it.